A wise man once said, “Building a successful relationship is akin to building a wall – where the bricks are love and the mortar, compatibility.

“Now you CAN just fashion it from mortar. Paint red oblongs onto it and it’ll LOOK like a wall – but it won’t be.

“Alternatively, if you pile rows of bricks onto one other, that’ll look like a wall too – until you give it a little shove.

“But if you build it from bricks AND mortar, you’ll have a wall that’ll last a lifetime.”

(Well actually, this observer said it after putting away a few beers – but it IS a good analogy).



For thousands of years, poets and philosophers have tried to define what love is.

I can TELL you. It is actually quite simple (a roll on the drums, please).

Love is… fifty percent Emotional Chemistry and fifty percent Sexual Chemistry.

That is it.

That is all there is TO it.

And yet throughout civilisation, millions of people have agonised, suffered, committed suicide and murder over it.


Because it is the most powerful drug ever to be put in the hands of an unwitting public. And it originates from inside the body.

We now know when a person falls in love, a highly addictive chemical is released inside their brain, similar to that released when they eat chocolate. (Which is where the stereotype of the big woman reclining on a sofa, reading a romantic pulp novel whilst stuffing herself with chocolates, came from). We are all LOVE JUNKIES.

Which is why many lovelorn and  jilted people over-eat. Particularly chocolate.

So what IS Emotional and Sexual Chemistry?


…is where your communication level is so high, when one of you itches, the other scratches. Where understanding is TELEPATHIC.

It is VERY rare.


…is far simpler. It is that WOW! factor we all feel – for TOTALLY different stimuli. The stereotypical babe/hunk we see on magazine covers is only a convenient, CONVENTIONAL role model.

In actuality, YOUR babe/hunk might be skinny or Rubenesque, smooth or hairy, sixteen or fifty, towering or petite, etc. or etc. THAT depends on YOUR chemistry.

Unfortunately, said chemistry is as rare as rocking-horse poop.

All of us can FUNCTION with a partner who is not downright REPULSIVE to us – and many people do. But for that special chemistry, sometimes a long wait is necessary.

But there is one compensation. When you finally do meet someone for whom the chemistry is there for YOU, it will usually be there for them too. It’s interactive.

But be warned! If you meet someone who rings your chimes, but appears immune to your charms – drop them like a sandwich full of ants! As you read these words, there are millions of people suffering from the worst heart-complaint there is. Unrequited love.

Many have screwed up their whole lives, obsessing over the unobtainable. There are plenty more fish in the sea – move ON!

It has oft been said there is Someone In This World For Everyone. Baloney! If that were true, YOUR Someone could be living in Armenia (or if you happen to be reading this IN Armenia – Alice Springs).

The truth is, there are MILLIONS of Someones In This World For Everyone – but there are also BILLIONS of Someones who are total non-starters. YOUR problem is weeding them out.

And an additional problem is Society only gives you five years (ten, tops) to DO so (see “Relationships” – further down).

Of course, many people find SUBSTITUTES for love. I call them The Five Imposters: power, fame, wealth, experience and achievement. All very exciting. But ultimately, they are NO substitute for love. It is The Most Important Thing In The World – bar none. A life without love is a life wasted.

I once saw, written on a wall, the words, “THERE IS ONLY PASSION – THE REST IS BULLSHIT” – actually, I was the one who wrote it.

And whilst I am waxing poetic, now might be a good time to offer up a piece of prose which your humble scribe wrote, many years ago, on the very subject of love. It goes thusly…



You are sitting next to Her, in a field, on a warm Summer day, not touching – not even speaking. And when, next day, a friend asks, “How was yesterday?” you answer, “It was the most wonderful day of my life.”

Love is an obsession. An infatuation that lasts forever. A chemistry which makes Her, in your eyes, the most beautiful lady in the World, regardless of her looks.

Love is excitement, as you watch Her through daily life, knowing She is yours. It is anticipation, as you come home to Her – and marvel that you ever found Her.

Love is the immense relief you feel, as, waking next to Her, the realisation slowly dawns that She is not a dream.

You are Siamese twins – joined at the heart.


If you cannot relate to that, go straight on to “Sex”, below.

Of course, many relationships survive – for a while – on Sexual Chemistry alone. It is a force so powerful that many mistake it FOR love. But it ain’t. A relationship based JUST on Sexual Chemistry will be unlikely to last more than a few months. So do NOT commit yourself too deeply to someone until it has lasted at least a YEAR.

Which is not to say that as we pass through this Vale Of Tears, a short fling based solely on sex is worthless. Many survive on a succession of such relationships. They are known as “serial monogamists”.

You see, there is a set pattern to the progression of passion in a relationship. It rises to a peak almost immediately, then plateaus for around four months, until…


At around four months, the initial wild passion begins to fade. At this point, serial monogamists are like the proverbial Rats Leaving The Sinking Ship. And even some people who were hoping this time they had finally found their Someone Special PANIC and start looking for an exit.

The answer is to RECOGNISE this phase of a relationship for what it is. A transition from A Kind Of Madness into the full, warm glow of a loving relationship. And when the level of passion reaches this Comfort Zone, it will level OUT.

And this still very HIGH level will – with a little maintenance – last ‘Til Death Do You Part (see below – “Making Love Last”). A series of madnesses may be exciting, but for lifelong, CONTINUOUS happiness – nothing beats The Real Thing.

But a word of warning! There is one major snag with being “Siamese twins – joined at the heart”. How many lovers do you know, yourself perhaps included, who have had HUMUNGOUS arguments over seemingly trivial things?

F’rinstance, you and your beloved are walking side by side down the street, idly chatting and you suddenly realize you are talking to yourself. You turn around, look back and see them talking to a friend.

You walk back and stand there inwardly fuming until they have finished. Then once out of earshot of their friend and anyone else (since you know what you are about to say would sound ridiculous to an outsider) you proceed to have a blazing row with said beloved.

Of course, half an hour later when you think back on it, you wonder what the hell happened to make such a big deal out of an inconsequence.

The answer is the two of you were Out Of Sync. You see, the danger of becoming “Siamese twins – joined at the heart” is that as soon as one of you does something unexpected, or there is a minor misalignment of communication – the significance of the event becomes blown out of all proportion.

So how do you AVOID this trap? Simple. The next time you feel like MURDERING your beloved – give it an hour. Then the chances are that whatever so infuriated you will by then have diminished to the point you won’t even bother to bring it up.

Then again, if such petty things do NOT bother you – you probably do not love that person in the first place.


Or at least, the death of love.

Love, when it occurs, lasts FOREVER. You can never fall OUT of love with someone. Once you have loved them, they will own a little corner of your heart forever.

Nevertheless, it is a fact of life that relationships DO break up. It may BE through death. Or less dramatically, because the partners had less compatibility than was required to keep it together. Either way, when this happens you must MOVE ON.

If the thing ended in bitterness and acrimony, do not even THINK of “getting even”. You loved the person once (and you still DO) and if you MUST part, you do NOT need your abiding memory of the relationship to be the spiteful action you took at the end. It will sit like a cancer in your mind for the rest of your life.

I believe it was Confucius who opined: “When beginning a journey of revenge – first dig two graves.” Indeed.

And then, give yourself TIME. If you rush straight back into the emotional minefield of dating before your heart is ready, you won’t be doing your dates or yourself any favours. On The Rebound relationships are almost always doomed to failure.

But neither must you crawl into a comfy little fox-hole of self-pity. Some have denied themselves years, even decades of love because of one affair that ended badly. Just move on.

But when you do find a new partner (and you will – there are millions of fantastic people out there and they’re all different) remember nothing screws up a budding relationship faster than constant references to previous ones. Unchecked, such references can quickly turn a healthy relationship into an Eternal Triangle with a spectre at one corner.

You do not have to FORGET Past Loves. They are a part of what makes you who you are now. Just put them away into a Bottom Drawer of your heart and get on with THIS one. In private moments, you can always open that drawer, take a memory out, indulge yourself for a moment, then put it back and FIRMLY close the drawer.

If it is your lover who is guilty of this, sit them down and explain your feelings. A little mutual understanding and tolerance can generally resolve the issue.

Remember – unless you are both First Time Lovers (unlikely) you will ALWAYS have to share your partner with their Past Loves. Just try and minimise the effect.


As stated above, love never dies – but it can be overlooked.

When you have found your perfect partner (or as near as dammit  – “Relationships” comes later) and mastered the art of avoiding the Out Of Sync trap – and the pitfall of referring to Past Loves – all you have to worry about is keeping the thing ALIVE.

Sex will not be a problem (“Sex” also comes later) but love needs to be nurtured. Otherwise you can easily forget it is THERE.

Basically, this means making sure that you never, ever take each other for granted. Remember – you are both BLESSED. Most couples do not HAVE what you have (later – “Relationships”).

So watch for the danger signs. Behaviour towards each other which is casual, sloppy or careless. Say “I love you” often. Keep the unexpected in your relationship.

Buy your lover occasional presents for no particular reason. Something hand-made – preferably by YOU – can often be better than something bought.

Go out together on the spur of the moment. This is far more exciting than planned trips. Keep your lover just slightly off-balance. Be unpredictable.

But do not allow unpredictability to become insanity – or nurture to spill over into obsession. This will only serve to SPOOK your lover!

In fact, it is all too easy to become TERRIBLY SERIOUS about the whole thing. And while it IS serious, if you become TOO intense, the whole thing can slide into the realms of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). So lighten up!

Indeed humour can keep the relationship bubbling away nicely, while taking nothing away from it. Rather it gives it a protective shell. After all, you both know how you REALLY feel, deep down. So have FUN with it.

                  *           *           *


You know, for a World that is obsessed with sex – open any tabloid – we are incredibly closed-minded about the whole thing.

Freud said everything we do is connected directly or indirectly to sex. And of course the old boy was absolutely right.

But the trouble with sex is people attach too much significance to it – and not nearly enough importance.

Too much significance? If a man went out and punched the first man he saw – then went and felt up the first woman he saw – which act would he get into the most trouble over?

Not enough importance? In surveys, few people put sex at the top of their list of requirements for a life partner. Honesty, reliability, etc. Those always rate higher.

Two words – GET REAL!


And when performed by human beings, it is a whole lot more sophisticated than when animals do it. After all, when did you last see a sheep in fetish gear? Okay, bad example perhaps. But the point is, when humans do it, it is only thirty percent physical. The other seventy percent is CEREBRAL.

Sadly, there are still primitive men whose idea of sex is that it is a twice-weekly event where they void their loins into their woman, then turn over and go to sleep.

Likewise, there are still primitive women whose idea of sex is that it is a “duty” – and the less often they are “bothered” the better.

However now, thanks to the birth control pill, which lead directly to the social and sexual revolution of the late Sixties and early Seventies, such people are becoming a thing of the past.

Modern women, thanks to magazines like Cosmo, require – nay, DEMAND at least one orgasm every night. And modern men are realising, in ever increasing numbers, that by observing the traditional ritual of “wham, bam, thankyou ma’am” – THEY are missing out.

This is because a woman’s orgasm is SIX times more powerful than any man’s. Which means that if a man is properly in tune with his woman, when she peaks, he will experience a sympathetic “mental orgasm” which, while it may be only half as powerful as hers – will still be THREE times more powerful than his own.

Indeed, when he finally climaxes at the end of the session, having fully satisfied his woman, unless he switches his concentration to himself, HIS orgasm may be anti-climactic.


This writer mentioned earlier that if you are in love, sex will never be a problem. This is because, given that love is fifty percent Sexual Chemistry, the sex will ALWAYS work. The problems arise when the Emotional Chemistry is missing.

Hence, as stated before, the need for both. When a relationship is based solely on Sexual Chemistry, no matter HOW fantastic the lovemaking was at first,  it will eventually become boring and routine.

When this happens, many couples accept it as being inevitable and slowly phase sex OUT of their relationship. “Of course, when we were young, we couldn’t keep our hands OFF each other, but now we are past all that nonsense. We have our garden.” Baloney! See later – “Sex And Old Age”.

Other couples find alternative sexual partners, either separately and secretly, or together and openly – an “open marriage” – “swinging”.

But this solution is fraught with dangers. Apart from the obvious ones (STDs, unwanted pregnancies, Social Services worrying about your kids – even BLACKMAIL, if you have a social standing) there is ALWAYS the threat that one partner will suddenly realise they have fallen in LOVE with someone they were only expecting to be a casual sexual partner – leading to recrimination, separation and divorce. With attendant weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.

And the final irony is that the new relationship may very well be based on Sexual Chemistry alone and go right down the dumper after a few months anyway.

Another solution favoured by some is to visit a “Sex Therapist”. However I can save you the money – their techniques consist, essentially, of De-Sensitising couples to each other – then slowly Re-Sensitising them. This can produce fantastic short-term results – “It was like re-discovering ourselves all over again.”

And for couples who LOVE each other, but had forgotten (see above) this can put them back on the right path – but for those who only had a Relationship, the novelty soon wears off, they revert back to their previous routines and find themselves right back where they started.

In the final analysis, the ONLY way to keep sex alive is to live with someone you LOVE.


There is no such thing.

There are POTENTIALLY Good Lovers. These are people who possess a maximum of practical knowledge combined with a minimum of inhibitions.

Good Sex can ONLY be achieved by TWO people creating a MUTUAL act of passionate lovemaking.

And during that lovemaking, the bodies are merely conduits through which the minds can communicate. Lovemaking is the HIGHEST form of communication there is. You can NOT fake it.


Given the above, you owe it to your lover – and they to you – to be clean to the point of hospital sterility, so that both of you can, with complete abandon, DIVE IN to one another, covering every square inch of each others’ bodies, confident you will never find anything distasteful.

That subconscious feeling which some still have that sex is “dirty” MUST be eradicated from your mind if you are to enjoy the uninhibited, free and TOTAL commitment to each other that pure love demands. This means…


Do it BEFORE making love. (Afterwards is optional – you can always leave it till morning). Fresh sweat during lovemaking can be a turn-on. Stale sweat is NOT.


In the case of the man, stubble can cause considerable discomfort to the woman, particularly during oral sex. SHAVE!

In the case of the woman, pubic hair can get in the way of oral and in extreme cases even penetrative love-making. LOSE it! 

There are many methods of depilationonthe market. Creams and “Lady-Shavers” are easiest. However, electrolysis – professionally performed – provides the best results [it was the best £400 this writer ever spent] but is PERMANENT – thus follows the same rule as Sexual Surgery (see later).

If the woman is attached to her fluff, a common compromise is to remove just the hair around the vagina, leaving a small bush on the Mound Of Venus (avoid the “Mohican” cut – it looks ridiculous).

But be advised – TOTAL removal of the pubic hair will drastically reduce the release of pheromones – “The Smell Of Sex” – so whilst a smooth pud may APPEAR to be the ultimate in womanhood, you are giving up a sexual stimulus.

In any case, pubic hair becomes flattened by underwear – thus it should always be BRUSHED before lovemaking, to make it light and fluffy!


In the case of the man, these should be clean, with NO SHARP EDGES – otherwise manual stimulation of the vagina or clitoris could result in infection and/or haemorrhaging.


After making love, various fluids are liable to be present. These are part of the ACT. Wiping them away is tantamount to wiping your mouth after a kiss.

If you must eventually do it, use a clean, soft towel. Never use tissue. You will forever be finding bits of it in intimate places – a real turn-off.


Thwacks (thighs against buttocks, etc.) slurps, squelches, even “pussy-farts” (air forced into the vagina, particularly during rear-entry positions, which is expelled as the woman relaxes) and other sex-associated sounds are, like juices, part of the act. Enjoy them!


Sex is a RIGHT that both of you have. To deny your lover that right in any kind of “power-play” is WRONG. Sex should never be used as emotional barter.

And never reject your lover.

Sex is much more than just penetration. Tiredness, periods, even mild illnesses are no excuse for making your lover feel rejected. Substitute oral sex, masturbation or just a CUDDLE. The difference is everything.

Also, given that sex is VERY important – spend a little MONEY. Many people’s idea of “sex aids” are vibrators and “kinky” clothes (of which, more later).

But while these toys are important for adding fun, variety and spice to the act, things like a firm bed (comfy is nice for sleeping, but for good sex you need PURCHASE) satin sheets and a soft red light (covering a bedside light with a red handkerchief may start a fire – but not the kind you were hoping for) are a lot more PRACTICAL.

In Europe, where they have long since known this, they use a specially-made chair (D.I.Y.-ers take note) similar to those used in hospitals for intimate examinations, which enables the woman to sit back, legs akimbo, at exactly the right height for the man to enter her, standing, so that both parties are face-to-face with hands free.

All these things and more will add comfort, as well as variety, to your lovemaking.


The most exciting sex you can HAVE – is with someone you LOVE. This cannot be over-emphasised.

A totally conventional session with a LOVER beats, hands DOWN, a doing-it-covered-with-whipped-cream-while-hanging-from-the-chandelier-type session, with someone you only have sexual chemistry with.

Also, there’s practicality to consider. Covering your lover with syrup and licking it off might SOUND groovy, but they will be ASLEEP before you are finished and you will be left with some SERIOUS laundry to do.

However, there ARE many practises that can ENHANCE your love-making and rest assured, those will be addressed later. 


Sex is like art. It cannot be taught, but if the natural talent is there, it can be nurtured, enhanced and given creative direction. This is where sex manuals come in.

However, you need to chose them carefully. Their drawback is they are usually written by one person. And if that person thinks like you, but is more knowledgeable – then fine. But if not, you will be unable to identify with the style and content of their book.

One exception is “The Joy Of Sex” (the original version). This tome could well be entitled “The Joy Of Loving Sex”, being far MORE than a sex manual. It is also an examination of the whole STRUCTURE of sexual relationships.

And unusually, it was NOT written by just one person – rather a QUORUM of people, who in turn got their knowledge from all of their friends. A pyramid of wisdom, with the book at the top. Ultimately, it represents the experiences of a whole generation (early Seventies California) who, having just emerged from the Sexual Revolution, paused to examine what they’d learned. Their conclusions are distilled into the book.

It’s the best present you’ll ever buy for yourself, your friends or your kids (assuming, of course, that they are OLD enough). It galls me to publicise their book when they are unlikely to publicise THIS noble work – but it is that good.


In the early stages of a relationship, it is essential to discuss all aspects of sex and hold “post-mortems” after lovemaking sessions. This may seem clinical and unromantic, but will pay DIVIDENDS, in the form of opening communication, building intimacy and finding out what makes each other TICK. If you’re going to be together FOREVER, you had better know each other’s likes and dislikes.

Imagine how mortified you’d feel, TWENTY YEARS into a relationship, to discover something something you had always WANTED to try with your lover – but had been reticent to suggest, for fear they might think you “kinky” – was something THEY had always desired, but had not dared mention, for the same reason. OUCH! It happens.

The fact is, nothing, repeat NOTHING that two lovers enjoy – or at least, that neither actively DISLIKES – is anything less than desirable, no matter how bizarre it might appear. Lovers should always do EVERYTHING they can to please each other.

A person will often find something they had not previously even THOUGHT of, becomes a major turn-on for THEM – because of the effect it has on their PARTNER.

However, where this comes off the rails, is when one partner COERCES the other. If two people cannot find enough common ground in their sexual interests, they should not be together in the first place. This is all part of compatibility (see “Relationships” – later).


These were first discovered by Vasco Da Gama in 1498.

No, they weren’t – but I had you going for a moment, didn’t I? Actually, they are those parts of the body – in both men and women – which respond to sexual stimulation. And about which, whole books have been written.

But for this subject, books are useless, as no two people are alike. For example, some people respond to having their anus gently stroked with a finger-tip during lovemaking. If the man does it to the woman during penetration, she will often involuntarily tighten her vaginal muscles, adding to the pleasure of both partners.

Likewise, some men’s nipples become sensitive to gentle stroking and tweaking, during arousal.

And it is not just stimulation of the obvious genital regions that generate excitement (see “Intimate Erogenous Zones”, below). The armpits, neck, ears, cheeks (upper or lower) scalp, back, inner thighs, feet, toes. Almost any part of the body can be erogenous – if the right person is touching it.

But we all have different “buttons”. Stroke the same area on different people and whilst one might go ballistic, another might only feel tickled, another irritated and yet another – nothing. The name of the game is EXPERIMENT.

And do not forget to Talk About It (see above). It is no use discovering – in your eighties – that that little thing you always did to your precious that made them wriggle with delight – was actually making them SQUIRM.


Familiar to all, but their workings are a mystery to many.


It belongs to the man, but much emotional warmth (and private hilarity, when in company) can be had if you treat him like a third person and give him a name (not Percy or Roger – be creative!)

He is, after all, the direct conduit through which much of your physical communication must ultimately flow. Praise him when he performs well, but do not chastise him should he fail.

Impotence is frequently caused not by failure – but by the memory of  previous failures. And these may have been induced by completely innocuous circumstances. Distractions. Tiredness. Stress.

Everyone has an off-day. “Only someone who is mediocre is always at their best.” So just laugh it off – otherwise the man’s fragile ego may be damaged beyond repair. Or, in an attempt to patch it up, he may go looking for redemption elsewhere…

In any case, if a man concentrates on his WOMAN and FORGETS Jasper, Captain Cucumber, Mr Happy or whoever, until later in the lovemaking  session, impotence can quickly be cured.

Once he has given her one or more almighty orgasms, using his finger and/or tongue, he will be a Lovemeister! A Superstud! If his penis fails to perform NOW, his woman will be unlikely to condemn him, having been fully satisfied herself. And with the pressure now OFF, IF he is with the right woman, he will usually find his desire – and erection – returning.


The organs which produce sperms and hormones often ALSO produce delightful sensations for the man, when stroked, fondled or sucked. But take it EASY! They are delicate and must be handled with care, or injury can result. In this respect, they are similar to a woman’s breasts.


Contrary to popular belief, only around thirty percent of a woman’s stimulation is derived from the nerves which are (only) around the top of this legendary orifice.

It will stretch to snugly accommodate anything from a finger to (when dilated) a baby’s HEAD – and those nerves will still only receive the same stimulation. Thus the age-old claim that “size is not important” – is largely true.

However, some women – particularly those with a “hooded clitoris” (see below) – receive much MORE than thirty percent of their stimulation from the vagina and can achieve a VERY powerful “vaginal orgasm”. This may take a long, sustained build-up to create – but when achieved, the result  will be picked up on SEISMOMETERS!


Still, to many man – and even some women – a complete mystery as to location. The woman has two pairs of vertical lips around the vagina. The outer, which form the exterior “walls” of the whole apparatus. And the inner, much thinner flaps of skin which form the edge of the vagina.

And at the top, where these inner lips meet – and partially hidden by them – lies the clitoris.

It is like an iceberg, in that most of it remains hidden beneath the surface. Only a tiny bud, about the size of a match-head, is exposed – but like the penis, this too fills with blood and swells when stimulated.

But all women’s clitorises are different. Thus early in a relationship, the man should establish which part of his particular woman’s bud is most sensitive (see the “clock-face” technique, below). Also, the degree of pressure, speed, etc., should be noted.

With most women, seventy percent of their sexual sensations are derived from this “bud of pleasure” – which, like the penis, can also be given a name.

Unfortunately, with many sexual positions, particularly rear-entry ones, this vital organ receives little or no stimulation at all – hence the large number of women who have NEVER HAD an orgasm.

Indeed, the reason some women object to rear-entry positions has less to do with its primitive associations – “it’s how the ANIMALS do it” – than the fact it affords no stimulation to their clitorises. And while the Missionary Position (conventional man-on-top) is boring, it DOES allow for clitoral stimulation.

The problem is, it is very limiting, as the man’s hands are occupied in supporting himself. The modern compromise is a SERIES of positions and manoeuvres which will give ALTERNATE stimulation to BOTH partners.

This last is very important. The classic “69” position (mutual, simultaneous oral stimulation of the sexual organs) has one big drawback – it is impossible to concentrate fully on the giving and receiving of pleasure at the same time. Therefore, it is far better to ALTERNATE these activities, thus allowing for total concentration on the job in hand (so to speak).


This is where the inner lips grow right OVER the clitoris, rendering it almost useless. Only a simple operation is needed to correct this condition, but due to ignorance of this fact – or even fear of involving a doctor in “intimate” matters – some women go though their entire lives having NEVER experienced a clitoral orgasm.

Thankfully though, many of these women unwittingly compensate for this condition to at least some degree, by developing increased sensitivity of their vaginal nerves. And some discover their “G-Spot”.


Whole books have also been written about this sacred but elusive region. It is, in effect, a “back-door” to the clitoris, which allows rear-entry positions to provide stimulation of the submerged, larger portion of the organ.

And since primitive man favoured that position, it is a fair assumption that without the G-Spot, we would not be here now.

Anyhoo, this region is also a strong candidate for manual stimulation – if the man can find it. It is a region of the INSIDE of the vagina, about three inches up the front wall. To locate it, simply place the palm of the hand on the woman’s Mound Of Venus (the slight bump above the vagina) and curl the longest finger up inside the vagina and gently rub the front of the vaginal wall, up and down.

And that is it. On some women, the effect is minimal, but on others it is ELECTRIC!!!

But remember the earlier warning about sharp fingernails. Dildos with a bend and a little knob on the end are designed for this region. And any man who can master its secrets will be deemed a Lovemeister!


Occasionally sensitive to being stroked and tweaked on a man, but almost always on a woman – particularly if she has had kids. Indeed, some women can be brought to shuddering orgasms by this technique alone – particularly during certain times of their cycles.

But as with ALL the “equipment”, great CARE must be taken, or delight can give way to PAIN. And now having described The Equipment, let us examine some more things we can DO with it.


For a man or woman to be able to properly enjoy making love with someone ELSE, they must first be able to enjoy making love with THEMSELVES.

And while the practise can be used as a SUBSTITUTE for a partner (hence the unjustified scorn ignorant people pour upon the activity) it is also a very important part of mutual, interactive lovemaking.

It can be highly erotic. Try sitting, facing each other and seeing who can come first.

And of course – it is risk-free.

Furthermore, it can also be a useful tool (in a manner of speaking) when one partner is incapacitated by disability (see “Sex And The Disabled” – later).

If ejaculate is not used, it will only emerge later anyway – during “wet dreams” – or be absorbed back into the body. Its production is continuous, thus the Old Wives’ Tale about “using up your seed” is poppycock!  

Also, a person who comes across their lover masturbating (I could have put that better) and as a result, feels themselves to be inadequate in some way – is worrying needlessly. EVERYONE does it.

Masturbation, when alone, is a totally different experience from interactive sex. It is a solo activity akin to meditation, where the end product is an orgasm. Done correctly, it is a highly pleasurable experience, as the exponent is in complete control of the speed, duration and – if they slow down when approaching the climax – the INTENSITY of the orgasm.

Another point – unlike a man, if a woman is celibate for more than a couple of weeks, her desire will DECLINE. And unlike a woman, a man in only his FORTIES can find that an extended period of total sexual abstinence will result in his apparatus SEIZING UP.

Therefore the moral here is clear – USE it or LOSE it!

Far from damaging you, masturbation is essential to your sexual well-being, when you are not sexually active. So – fun and therapy combined!

The techniques required vary greatly from one person to another. While some require quite violent stimulation, others find the same to be painful and need only gentle stroking to achieve a climax. So, early in a sexual relationship, it is essential for both partners to teach the other how to do it to THEM.

In the woman’s case there is the “clock-face” test. The clitoris is usually more sensitive on one side than the others – and it varies from woman to woman. The way to find out which aspect is most sensitive is to stroke the side of the clitoris at say, three o’clock – then work your way around. Also try stroking the top, going north-south and east-west.

It should soon be apparent which part works best and again, a reference to a time or compass heading can be a private joke between you both, when in company.

In the man’s case, things are equally complicated. The variations of finger positioning, speed and force are infinite. Also, the foreskin plays an important part. And if the man doesn’t HAVE one, things get REALLY complicated.

The thing is, HE has spent his whole LIFE mastering his technique, but it is like riding a bicycle – most everyone can do it, but try explaining how, to someone who has NOT.

Nevertheless, despite the difficulties, once a couple learn how to masturbate each OTHER – their sex-life will rise to a whole new level. Just remember – masturbation is SEXY!

It is not “self-abuse”.

It is not “a sin”.

It is not “a sign of weakness”.

It will not shorten your life.

It will not make you go blind.

It will not make you impotent.

It will not make you a bad person.

It will not run you out of “seed” (monkeys do it all the time and there are MILLIONS of them).

And yes, ejaculate DOES make a good moisturising cream (even hair-gel). But unless you are both into sado-masochism (see later) the man should KISS his woman on both cheeks (upper or lower) after massaging it in. There is a PRINCIPLE involved here.


Thought of – by the same morons who pour scorn on masturbation – as being for frustrated spinsters only, these toys have useful roles to play for women, couples – and even just men.

The sensations created by them are very different from those created by a hand, finger, tongue or penis. They are much FASTER. However, some shun them for fear their equipment will “get used to” the more powerful stimulus – and no longer react to “natural” manipulation.

Fear not. The human brain adapts very quickly to variations in incoming stimuli and just a few moments after stimulation by a vibrator, will react just as well to far gentler, slower stimulation by a finger, tongue, etc.

They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, for all sorts of different applications – even a woman’s (upper) cheek. (That last was a joke, which only people over fifty will get).

Two rules – keep them CLEAN and avoid NOISY ones.  As stated above, hygiene is paramount – thus, given where you may be using it, cleanliness is essential. Also, keep an eye on the batteries – they can leak chemicals which are CAUSTIC. And as for noisy ones – it is hard to be romantic while operating something that sounds like a CHAIN-SAW.


Whole LIBRARIES have been written on THIS subject.

The Godfather of orgasms is of course the Simultaneous Orgasm – which is very nice when it happens, but don’t knock yourself out trying to achieve one every time. As with the “69″, it is far better to aim for ALTERNATE ones.

In the case of the man, they are easy to recognise (and yes, a man CAN fake one, if he is inside a woman). But in the case of the woman, they are far more complicated. A woman’s orgasm is as individual as a finger-print – but all women fall into one of three categories.

Mono-orgasmic. The most common, but with infinite variations. After the single “whee-ee!” the mono-orgasmic woman may go up again in a couple of minutes, take the same amount of time as before, from scratch – or go off the idea altogether.

Multi-orgasmic. This woman is really a variation of the mono-orgasmic category. It is simply that her recovery time is exceptionally short, producing a “ripple effect” which men just LOVE!

Plateau-orgasmic. This is the spooky one. The woman goes up – and then STAYS there for as long as the man can keep going. However, the problem for both parties is the nagging feeling that with a LITTLE more effort, the woman could be sent RIGHT over the top. But until it happens, they’ll never know.


Ranging from nipple and genital piercing (for intimate jewelry) and tattoos – to hair removal and plastic surgery.

Think long and hard first. Whilst piercings “heal”, removal of a tattoo is VERY difficult. And while permanent hair removal is simple enough, plastic surgery is INVASIVE, PAINFUL and EXPENSIVE.

The classic “boob job” has been glamorised by Hollywood – but there is nothing glamorous about it. Even when performed by experts, the results ALWAYS look FAKE. Furthermore, the tactile qualities of the organs are lost FOREVER.

As for the penis, enlargement operations come at an even higher cost – what you gain in length, you lose in RIGIDITY (a fact the ads tend to skip over).

It’s all bullsh*t, anyway. As far as human organs are concerned, when it comes to sex, size is NOT important. So DON’T MESS with them.

And WHATEVER you do – do NOT allow yourself to be COERCED into doing so, by a partner.


A type of sexual surgery, so the last sentence applies to this also. But unlike boob jobs and penis enlargements, this operation is cheap and SIMPLE. However, its ramifications are even more far-reaching, so serious consideration needs to be given before embarking on this course of action.


[1] As stated above – cheap and simple.

[2] No need for birth control.

[3] Not painful (although it does give the word “discomfort” a whole new dimension – the man who wrote, “Macho is… jogging home after a vasectomy!” had obviously HAD one).

[4] Does not significantly affect the output of ejaculate.


[1] Depending on the individual man’s plumbing, difficult to IMPOSSIBLE to reverse – thus DEEP consideration is needed first. He may not want kids NOW, but a man can produce live sperms for seventy years – during which time, he might reconsider (of course, if he is prepared to shoulder the COST, his seed can be frozen – but if the cleaner disconnects the freezer to plug their vacuum in…)

[2] For a few men, the fact they can no longer make babies, can be a psychological BLOCK to their lovemaking. “I’m not a real man anymore…”

For what it is worth, THIS author had it done nearly thirty years ago and hasn’t regretted it for a SECOND – but that’s just ME.


Seen by atheists as genital mutilation, but by followers of some religions as tradition. In the case of adults, a major and painful operation. In the case of kids, far simpler – but you are taking from them their right to choose.

It is hard to see how followers of a Perfect God can justify this practise. How do they reconcile “improving” on their Maker’s design?

In any case, it is not an improvement. Only in rare cases is it medically necessary. And those who champion it on the grounds of hygiene are obviously strangers to SOAP.

The fact is, the foreskin has a valuable role to play in the sex act. It protects the skin of the knob of the penis – allowing it to remain smooth, thin and SENSITIVE. Whereas its removal forces the skin to grow thick and hard, in order to protect itself – thereby drastically reducing its sensitivity and thus, the man’s enjoyment of the act.

Also, removal of the foreskin makes masturbation difficult – and MESSY. Without a lubricant, SORENESS will occur and when the man climaxes, the result will go EVERYWHERE. And while this may sometimes be FUN – at other times it can be damned inconvenient (see “There’s Something About Mary”). Whereas with practice (and boys generally get PLENTY of that) a foreskin can be used to “trap” the fluid – allowing for easy, controlled disposal.

Furthermore, the penis has evolved a membrane which cleverly allows the foreskin to roll back when the penis is inserted into an orifice, whilst covering the organ when not in use. Clever!

Thus if you are a believer, believe THIS – the foreskin’s Maker knew what they were doing when they designed it – so leave it ALONE!


Many ignorant people are DISGUSTED by the idea of disabled people making love with other disabled people. And OUTRAGED by the idea of them making love with the able-bodied – “walkie-talkies”.

They forget that disabled people are PEOPLE – with the same needs and desires as everyone else. “Think not what a disabled person cannot do – but rather, what they CAN do.”


All of the above applies to the elderly. Whilst a couple in their seventies may not be as athletic as they once were, there is no need for sex to stop as soon as hair starts growing in their ears. Provided they are in reasonable health, they can carry on into their eighties. Ask any doctor.

If the man has trouble maintaining an erection, provided the desire is there, sildenafil citrate will help (see below – “Aphrodisiacs”). And if the woman does not get as moist as she used to – that is what vaginal lubricants are for. Then again, saliva works nearly as well – and is more fun to apply.

Remember, a woman hits her sexual peak at around FIFTY – while a man hits HIS at FIFTEEN (now there’s a cruel trick by Mother Nature) so all a man has to do is stay sexually active and he can keep up with HER.


For millennia, men had been searching for a way of controlling their erections. Solutions ranged from the absurd – powdered rhino-horn (which is nothing more than compressed HAIR) – to the mechanical – the infamous “vacuum tube”. For decades, Spanish Fly was thought to be the only sure-fire method. However it was VERY dangerous, therefore most drugs that claimed to include it were BOGUS.

Then finally, SCIENCE intervened. A British division of an American pharmaceutical giant were carrying out trials on a drug they hoped would help angina sufferers. The results were disappointing, but when the company tried to recover the unused drugs, they discovered the test subjects were less than eager to part with them. It did not take long to find out WHY. Sildenafil citrate had a very useful SIDE-EFFECT.

Whilst NOT a cure for impotence (in the current climate, its manufacturers are forced to sell it as a medicine rather than what it REALLY is – a “life-style” drug) it will restrict the BACK-flow of blood from the penis.

This is very important, as a THINKING person is easily distracted – a car alarm going off (ON, actually) or a dog barking, or thoughts about ANYTHING other than the task at hand can KILL an erection.

Therefore, now that cheap generics are available, this substance has become the new Wonder-Drug. However, it is STILL no substitute for making love with the RIGHT PERSON.


Traditionally, dance has always been a prelude to sex. Just remember to save enough energy for the act itself.


Posh, posey, fast cars only impress superficial women. Like feminine status symbols (fur coats, posh clothes and hair-dos, etc.) they only really impress members of the same sex. Men who drive Hoovers (“good for picking up little bits of fluff”) are kidding themselves if they think a car will “land” them a worthwhile partner. (This author drives a fifteen-year-old Mitsu and his partner is a BABE).


Or rather, sex as PORTRAYED in the movies – is a little daunting for us mere mortals. Couples make love in swimming pools, the sea, standing up – and in other impossible positions. And of course, they always have fantastic simultaneous orgasms.

But remember, movies are fantasy. Escapism. The reality is a bit different.

Like, water is a LOUSY lubricant, salt water HURTS and COLD water – forget it!

And those fantastic positions are easy to maintain for the few seconds necessary until the director yells, “CUT!” Furthermore, the actors’ genitals do not actually have to UNITE, let alone come into a position where actual sex could take place. And NO woman peaks in forty-five seconds flat!

Just take comfort in knowing that what you feel for your lover is something NO actor can convincingly portray. And talking of movies…


Despite those famous scenes in “Tom Jones” and “The Thomas Crown Affair” – the two do not mix. A heavy meal eaten just before lovemaking is likely to make an untimely and unwelcome reappearance.

If you are hungry and cannot wait, go for a light SNACK. Afterwards however, a great apres-bonk meal for lovers is plain, chicken drumsticks. Deep fried, they are impossible to eat in a civilized manner. You can ONLY tear them apart with your bare fingers. When alone, they are just messy – but together, they are PRIMEVAL!


As with excessive food, excessive alcohol and sex do not mix. In fact generally, it is better to AVOID alcohol before lovemaking altogether – it takes the edge off the experience. However, if either of you have inhibitions, LIGHT alcohol will ease them.


From Mahler to Metal, Bolero to Bebop, Trance to Tamil. Music can be a useful mood-setter, but once the act is imminent – turn it OFF! Bonking in time to a Mazurka may sound like fun, but it SHOULD be a distraction.

There are only really three kinds of music – good, bad and indifferent.

Bad is the soul-destroying crap you hear on other people’s radios.

Indifferent is the stuff you hear in elevators – where it was done solely for money.

Good music is ANYTHING, be it Classical, Jazz, Blues, Rock, Pop – even Zydeco – where someone tried to express an EMOTION.

But when you are making love, the emotion should be coming from YOU – so LOSE the damn music.


The problem with kids is they do not perceive the sex act as adults do. They interpret cries of ecstasy as cries of PAIN – and the act itself as an ASSAULT.

Therefore, whilst educating your offspring in the theory of sex (insofar as they are able to understand it, at whatever age they are) is obviously a good thing – accidentally giving them a practical demonstration of it, can seriously screw them up.

For this reason, lovemaking should always be performed well away from the little monsters. Many couples’ sex-lives go right down the pan with the arrival of children. Do not let it happen to you.

Use whatever it takes – baby-sitters, while you visit a motel – send them off to the movies – be resourceful. You can NOT let your kids deny you twenty-odd years of loving sex. And it is no use figuring you will pick it up again after they have flown the nest. By then, it will be way too late.


Sex can and should be performed ANYWHERE (subject to legal and practical considerations – see “Risk” and “Al Fresco”, later) but more often than not, it will happen in the bedroom. Couples who can afford two bedrooms can equip one as a normal sleeping chamber – and the other as a PLAYROOM!

This can contain mirrors (which will give you a whole new dimension of visual stimulation) rubber sheets and equipment of all kinds (like that chair I spoke of earlier). Let your imagination run riot!

But remember to keep it locked, if you have kids or visiting relatives – tell them the room has a poltergeist.

If you only have the one bedroom, it will have to DOUBLE as a playroom. For this, you will have to be more subtle – and devious. Strategically-placed mirrors. The famous four-poster bed (see “Bondage” – later). Various items, hidden or disguised – your only limitation is your imagination.


It is amazing, the noises some people make during the heights of passion.

There are yelpers, squealers, screamers, moaners, groaners and yes-men (they go “Yes…yes…YES!”) All of which can cause friction with the folks next door.

The answer, as with most “neighbour relations”, is to keep a dialogue going. A passing comment can often clear the air. (Also, the knowledge they can hear you can be a turn-on, if you have exhibitionistic tendencies).

But be careful. Some people can be very awkward in this area, due to prudery – or just plain jealously. If they DO give you problems, try sending them (anonymously, of course) a copy of “The Joy Of Sex”. Then perhaps you will start to hear strange noises coming from THEM.


…is to be avoided at all costs. Given that love is fifty percent sex, to have sex outside the relationship is a direct betrayal of that love.

The short-term benefits of the encounters will be heavily outweighed by the cost – the inevitable erosion of the relationship.

And if you DO slip – or even have an encounter where nothing actually happens – say NOTHING to your lover. While all loving relationships must be based on HONESTY, to “tell all” will merely be trading YOUR guilt for THEIR misery.

You must carry that guilt WITH you – you DESERVE it. And DON’T try and “make up for it” – the change in your behaviour might trigger suspicion.

Just resolve never to do it again – and STICK to it.


…is also to be avoided.

However, admiration of other people is a different matter. Much unnecessary pain is caused – even in perfectly secure relationships – by needless jealousy.

It is perfectly natural and HEALTHY for people to enjoy watching – from an AESTHETIC viewpoint – beautiful people. It is one of the things that sets us apart from the animals, that we can stop to marvel at the beauty of design and the wonders of nature, be it a ’59 Caddy, a golden sunset – or a nice arse.

But there is a thin line between admiration and desire. Just be sure you know which side of that line you and your lover are ON.


From the Greek “homos” (pron. as in Tom) which means “the same” – NOT the Latin “homo” (pron. as in Rome) meaning “man”. Etymology aside, homosexuality is a VERY complex issue. For a start, it is not merely a question of whether you are gay or straight.

We are all a MIXTURE of likes, dislikes, attractions and repulsions. These are moulded during our formative years and evolve as we age (see below). In his teens, a man may be attracted to voluptuous twenty-somethings. But by his thirties, he may prefer forty-somethings. Then in his fifties, his attention may switch to waif-like teens.

Again, if he is a white man in his twenties, he may prefer other white women. But then in his thirties, he may meet a Nigerian woman, or a Chinese woman, or a Thai “lady-boy” – whatever – and suddenly his perspective changes.

And any person who thinks they are one hundred percent straight – or gay, for that matter – had better think again. Read this next sentence carefully…

Say you had to spend the rest of your LIFE on a desert island with EITHER the most ATTRACTIVE person you PERSONALLY could imagine, who is a member of the OPPOSITE sex to that which you consider yourself to be oriented towards – OR the most HIDEOUS, REPULSIVE creature you PERSONALLY could imagine, but who IS a member of the sex which you consider yourself to be oriented towards – which would you choose? If you have to even CONSIDER your answer – you just proved my point.

(Or put more simply, if you are a straight man, who would YOU prefer to spend your life with – a gorgeous tranny or a ghastly old dragon? Think about it).

Any road up, whether you are (mostly) straight, (mostly) gay – or somewhere in the middle – you are simply a PERSON. And therefore, pretty much everything in this treatise applies equally to YOU.


As mentioned above, this usually develops in our teen years – but it can take longer. Children first become sexually aware at around eleven, for girls – and twelve for boys. At this point, they can go either way. It entirely depends on their genetic pre-disposition.

So for about a year, they will experiment with both sexes, find which they prefer and then stick to it. However, there are exceptions.

Boys will sometimes “quest” through their teens, twenties, even their early thirties – before finally realising and accepting that they are GAY.

This is sometimes the result of social conditioning that prevents them from accepting their orientation (a denial which, tragically, can manifest itself in their becoming rabidly homophobic) or can be caused by the fact that they are one of those rare people whose genes do not cause them to have revulsion for EITHER sex – TRUE bisexuals (many bisexuals merely being repressed gays).

While girls will also dabble with both sexes for a year, before arriving at their choice. However, there is a difference here. Having settled on boys, many girls find themselves in an intimate situation with another girl, when they are around nineteen or twenty – and have ANOTHER dabble.

This is common. Since women do not have the “macho” thing going on, they are happy to share a bed with another woman when the need arises. And the right mood, coupled with a little alcohol, can cause them to re-examine their earlier choice.

In most cases, they decide they DO prefer blokes – but realise that sexuality is not as clear-cut as they had previously supposed. The same thing would happen with men, were it not for that “macho” conditioning. Most men would prefer to sleep in a BATH, rather than share a bed with another DUDE.


These are part of our modern World. Cave-dwellers had few fetishes and were the poorer for it. Whilst heavy perversions and deviations can smother a relationship, fetishes can ENHANCE it. The Cherry On The Cake, if you will.

Of course, puritans will say they are not “natural”. But then – nor are pogo-sticks. So what?

The fact is, every person is FILLED with turn-ons and turn-offs that are acquired over a life-time. Kinks, fetishes and fantasies are another thing that separates us from the animals. And provided both partners are ready to explore the possibilities, their sex-lives can be enriched beyond their wildest dreams, since they will each bring THEIR input into the relationship.

But one word of caution! Both partners need to realize that their kinks, fetishes and fantasies will likely NOT be the same as their lover’s. So tread slowly and carefully – or you may hit a boundary with a crash which your relationship cannot survive.


T.V.s are still assumed by many to be effeminate gays – but not so. Mr Eddie Izzard once said, “I am a lesbian, trapped in a man’s body.”

Transvestism is merely an expression of opposite-gender aspects of a person’s sexual identity. We all have them. If people were allowed to design their OWN fashions, instead of allowing themselves to be dictated to by designers, it would be interesting to see what they would come up with. Come the revolution…

Of course, Eddie is showbiz, so he can express himself freely. Whereas, on the street, we must stick to the conventional (although even Mr Izzard got beaten up by thugs once).

However, we can still wear what we like, UNDER our clothes. Your Mother may have warned you to be careful in case you got knocked over and taken to hospital – but doctors have seen it all and if you got hit by a TRUCK, explaining your underwear would be the LEAST of your problems.


All clothes are, to some degree, fetishistic. If this were not so, we would all dress like the Chinese did, during the Cultural Revolution.

Lovers should ALWAYS try, within the bounds of what is deemed acceptable street-wear, to dress in clothes which stimulate the other. The more outrageous garb can be reserved for indoors – just remember to check yourself, before answering the door!

Textures: fur (not P.C.) satin, rubber, latex, lace, leather (semi-P.C.) and shiny synthetics all appeal to our senses. And well-cut, they can help emphasize what we have. So picture the most erotic thing you can imagine your lover wearing – then go out and BUY it for them. And when they buy it for you – WEAR it!


Traditional make-up was designed to simulate sexual arousal by reddening the cheeks (upper) and lips. Like the penis, clitoris and nipples, these areas experience increased blood-flow during arousal. Therefore, blusher and lipstick create the subconscious impression that a woman is permanently sexually aroused (but try to put that fact out of your mind, the next time you see your Grandma made up).

However, modern make-up does much more, highlighting eyes and if desired, changing the whole shape of the face, by accentuating cheek-bones, etc. It is now a sophisticated business, with many books devoted to the science. It is well worth experimenting, to see what you can do with what you have got. This also applies to women.


Not really about pain. More to do with dominant and submissive role-play. Usually traceable back to the person’s parents’ alpha-beta dynamic. It consists mostly of dressing up and play-acting. So long as both parties are into it and no actual physical harm is done, GO for it!

But do not forget to have a “safe word”. Sometimes, it can be difficult to know whether a lover REALLY wants you to stop. A safe word gets rid of any misunderstanding.


Highly arousing to some. Disgusting or merely irritating to others. Your choice.

But remember – that which was highly arousing during the height of passion, can for some people be highly EMBARRASSING if referred to “out of context”, in the cold, hard light of the following morning.


Mostly thought of as being a part of sado-masochism. But actually, it is a science in itself.

Like, when a tongue, finger, dildo or vibrator is used enthusiastically on a woman’s clitoris, G-Spot or nipples, the sensations generated can be so powerful that some women find they keep involuntarily wriggling free, just before what WOULD have been a MAJOR orgasm. (Men – try staying still while you are being tickled. Same thing – writ large).

This is where bondage comes in.

The best technique is for the man to lay his woman on her back with her arms and legs in an “X” position, with a cushion or pillow under her buttocks.

Then, using a thick rope or binding which will not cut into her body during the heat of passion (the brain’s pain receptors can go nearly dormant during such times – but will switch back on AFTERWARDS) and which can be quickly released, he anchors both wrists and ankles to the corners of the bed (now you see why four-posters are still popular – they are not just retro-chic).

He is then free to kiss her all over, ending up at her Love Centre. Or slowly stroke her with a feather. Or even apply syrup and lick it off (but remember the earlier warning).

Finally, he can stroke her clitoris with the tip of his tongue. First gently, then slowly building the intensity until he is sucking it vigorously in and out between his tongue and top lip. This, combined with gentle, then slowly intensifying nipple-tweaking, can send a woman WAY past any point she has reached before.

Some women eventually FAINT (the French call it “La Petite Mort” – “The Little Death”). Some women lose control of their bladders – which can actually be rather nice, if you are into “water sports” (see below) although you WILL have to purchase a plastic sheet.

But needless to say, bondage should ONLY be employed by couples who have a mature, trusting relationship (and even then, they need that “safe word” – see above) and it should NEVER be attempted on a first date.

It also works well on men – provided they can handle losing CONTROL.


Initially more popular in Europe – where they are less inhibited – it spread to Britain in the early Seventies, thanks to readers’ letters in “Forum Magazine” (the few who indulged wrote about it, thus freeing up those who had always WANTED to).

America has not yet fully embraced it (they cut the farts out of TV showings of “Blazing Saddles”) but it is slowly catching on there too.

Peeing over each other during the height of passion – or having “accidents” in old clothes – can be highly arousing. Not to mention a source of merriment. And thanks to plastic sheets and machine-washing, the cleaning up afterwards need not be a chore.

Provided you are both healthy and bathe afterwards, hygiene is not a problem either.

It can be a part of the aforementioned sado-masochism, but most who indulge do so because it is FUN. A return to the innocence of childhood.

And if one drinks plenty of liquid, after the first pee (had in the loo) what comes out is little more than warm water. But the origin of that warmth gives it INTIMACY.

Many women find that an orgasm is more intense with a full bladder and masturbate whilst sitting on the loo. The fact that their orgasm often results in their letting go, does not then matter.

It is a secret many women have which, if they only knew it, might be better shared with their lover. Another example of “Talk About It” (see above).


Some people are turned on by the thought of making love in a public or semi-public place. This has two dimensions. The first is pure exhibitionism – “Dogging” – but the second is all about RISK. And it is THAT which is the turn-on.

However, for it to work, there has to be a REAL POSSIBILITY of discovery. And if you do it often enough, the time will inevitably arrive when you ARE. Could you HANDLE it?


Of course, simply making love out of doors is a perfectly natural thing, which adds another dimension to the experience (ants, rain, cow-plop, etc.) But as opposed to “Risk”, above, you are unlikely to be caught if you take reasonable care.  After all, ninety percent of the World is unpopulated – so GO for it!


Sex with animals. Illegal. (Also dangerous, unhealthy and DEEPLY icky).


Sex with the DEAD. Illegal. (Not to mention, MASSIVELY creepy).


Surprisingly, whether as part of straight OR gay sex, in many places this is ALSO illegal. But if both parties are willing and indulge in private, the law is obviously unenforceable (although it could become a factor later, if the relationship turned sour – so beware).

And there are RISKS involved. The anal canal is not constructed for this activity and even when a lubricant is used, it can BLEED. For which reason, performing it – unprotected – with an “unknown” partner is a very good way of contracting HIV-AIDS (see “AIDS” – later).

But for an established couple, it CAN be a major turn-on. It is really a matter of personal taste.


Most couples settle down to one favourite position, with two or three alternatives and maybe one for special occasions – and this is fine.

But do TRY every position you can think of – or find in books – or even see in movies (bearing “Sex In The Movies” – see earlier – in mind).

If something does not work, laugh it off. But anything that looks POSSIBLE is worth trying ONCE. You never know – something you thought of as impractical, uncomfortable or just plain silly, could become the star turn of your sexual repertoire!


Unlike bondage (see above) definitely recommended on a first date – if things are going VERY well – and provided the exponent has steady hands and a confident, relaxed style.

Oil is messy, but baby lotion is absorbed by the skin and is particularly pleasant following a shower or sauna (a PROPER one – no swimming costumes allowed – check your Yellow Pages – or better still, BUY one – mine only cost £500).


It is easy to get fixated on HEAVY sex and forget the subtle joys of its lighter aspects. Like French kissing (avec tongues). Or stroking with a feather (see earlier – “Bondage”). When was the last time you held hands?

Lovers SHOULD hold hands – and touch and caress each other as often as possible – even in public. It is how you stay connected. Provided you do not cross the bounds of public decency, you will not get arrested.

And if others say, “Get a room,” smile and say, “We reserve the SERIOUS affection for that.”

It is all a part of FOREPLAY – an art that is easy to forget, when a relationship matures. Sure, most of the time, you will just want to get ON with it, but if that becomes a habit, you may lose sight of the PURPOSE of intimacy. This modern World allows little time for stopping to Smell The Roses – so MAKE time.


See above.


In the unlikely event you encounter one, here is what you must do.

If he is a man, be gentle and undemanding. Tell him he is wonderful – even if his clumsy fumblings DO set your teeth on edge. The male ego is a tad fragile at the best of times and at this critical stage in his development, a man is at his most vulnerable. A few ill-chosen words from you now – could screw him up for YEARS.

If she is a woman, be VERY gentle, both emotionally and physically. This last is made necessary by another nasty little trick by Mother Nature. It is called the hymen.

This is a thin membrane, near the top of the vagina. Full penetration will BREAK this membrane, causing the release of a quantity of blood – and a degree of PAIN to the woman.

This pain is considered traditional – then again, in less enlightened times, so was placing metal-spiked devices on boys penises, to prevent them “abusing themselves” during the night. Being traditional does not make it right.

Also, it is largely unnecessary. It has been said that in an ideal World, the hymen would be cut by a doctor at the completion of puberty – along with the top of the upper lips, to prevent the “hooded clitoris” mentioned earlier (these measures would certainly make more sense than the circumcision of babies).

And perhaps in MORE enlightened times this will happen. But for now, great care must be taken when “de-flowering a maiden” – or that maiden may be put off lovemaking for LIFE. A good many have been and many more have taken YEARS to get over the trauma of their “first time”.

And yet the answer is so simple. Some women’s hymens have already been broken by vigorous activities such as school sports. But if not, a finger gently inserted – with a generous quantity of vaginal lubricant – will usually do the trick. In any case, a lubricant should ALWAYS be used for that first penetration.

The practical side of sex can take a little of the spontaneity and romance out of lovemaking, but the consequences of a blunder can be horrendous and far-reaching.

The First Time should be VERY special.


It has been said that a vigorous lovemaking session takes as much effort as a flat-out 200-metre sprint. Therefore it can be seen that physical fitness is an essential component to a healthy sex-life.

Thus the gym should be used by both parties as often as possible. Or buy a rowing machine. Mine cost under £100.

Also, diet comes into play. Fatty foods constrict blood vessels and therefore impair erections. But if you do not want to give up chips (who does?) at least avoid eating them late at night.

And here is a little tip – fatty foods are broken down much quicker if eaten with edible ACIDS. So, guzzle your chips by all means – but wash them down with copious amounts of any REAL fruit juice (not squash).

You are going to love me for THAT one.

And one more thing that helps with the all-important blood-flow – iron tablets. Most multi-vitamin tablets contain a SAFE dose – and the vitamins do not hurt either.


Live them.

Let me qualify the above. Things which are highly arousing when viewed in the abstract – can be horribly awful in the reality.

For instance, a man might fantasise being locked in a cupboard with sixteen naked schoolgirls…… erm…… ooh, er…… sorry, where the hell was I? Oh, yes. And in his fantasy, they would respond to his caresses, emotionally, as sexually mature women – but with pubescent bodies.

But of course, in reality, their response would be one of confusion, embarrassment and FEAR.

Similarly, a woman might fantasise being gang-banged by forty Hell’s Angels… I think I have made my point.

The thing is, in a fantasy, there are no come-backs. No victims. No dangers. No nasty smells. No cleaning up to do afterwards. And as an aid to masturbation, they are preferable to pornography (see below) IF you have the imagination.

So provided they are not illegal, evil, cruel or downright REPULSIVE – and BOTH partners are willing – give them a try. But prepare to be disappointed.


The moral rights and wrongs of this subject are debatable – but not here.

The FACT is, it exists. And as a short-cut to an orgasm – particularly for men, who traditionally have less imagination than women – it is invaluable. However, it can also play an important part in the masturbation games which couples enjoy.

And if the porn features YOU, it will be the most erotic you have ever seen. Camcorders were once the toys of the rich, but now they almost come free with giant-size packs of breakfast cerial. So GET one and become your own PORN STARS! (They say your porn star name should be your first pet and street names – which would make THIS reporter Percy Withipol – hey, that works!)


Arguably, this subject has no place in this section as, outside of fantasy (see above) it has NOTHING to do with sex at all – being a crime of VIOLENCE.

And as such, next to computer crime, it is the most difficult to prove or disprove.

Case One: a woman wearing ordinary street clothes is walking in a lonely spot, when a stranger leaps on her, places a knife to her throat, drags her into some bushes and forces her to have sex with him.

Obviously – rape.

Case Two: a sex-surrogate (prostitute) accepts a cheque from a client and when it bounces says, “Oh sh*t, I’ve been raped again.”

Equally obviously, NOT rape.

Unfortunately, few cases are as clear-cut as these two.

For example, “date rape” – where a man charms his way into a conventional date with a young, inexperienced woman. And having gained her trust, he invites her to his place for dinner.

Since we are no longer living in the Victorian age, she accepts. But after dinner he leaps on her with malice aforethought, knowing that even if she DOES cry rape, given the circumstances – a successful prosecution would be unlikely. This is not about sex – but about power. And frequently, hate.

But then, the reverse can also occur. Same date, but this time the woman is the sexual aggressor. However, she later regrets her action and cries rape. Thanks to PC, the innocent man might find himself in serious trouble.

This author once attended a rape trial where the two parties had made love in a corn-field – this was not in dispute. However, the two people were so confused by the end of the proceedings, even THEY did not know whether it had been rape or not.

A grey area is “rape within marriage” (or a long relationship). This scribe believes the majority of such cases should never be brought to court – and here is why.

All relationships have their ups and downs. Some explore fantasies – rape being amongst them. Others are based on a strong alpha-beta dynamic that borders on sado-masochism. And if any of these relationship turn sour, the whole thing can easily end up in court.

Things have come to a pretty poor point when couples have to take legal representation to bed with them, every time they are considering making love.

So whilst rape within marriage is certainly grounds for DIVORCE – and actual PHYSICAL damage, grounds for a charge of ASSAULT – if the injury is merely emotional, the parties should simply part and move ON with their lives.

And while we are on this sad subject, a word about “ordinary street clothes”. For many years, a woman who dressed “provocatively” was deemed to be “asking” to be raped. Luckily, today, this specious concept has been largely overturned by the acceptance that a woman who wishes to express her sexuality is NOT necessarily a tart.

(Although once she has had kids, she is still expected by some to modify her dress. This is unfortunate since, having had kids, she now needs to keep her man’s interest alive more than ever. Therefore, she needs to ensure that once the kids are in BED, she reverts to a sexual being).

Of course, the irony is, many men FEAR a woman dressed provocatively – it suggests a boldness they find intimidating. Thus if a woman wants to dress with sass, she should go ahead. She is actually LESS likely to be assaulted than the woman in the ordinary street clothes.


Or STDs (STIs) for short.

For centuries, society has mocked those individuals who have come down with these specialised diseases. But it is hard to see why. The only qualification one needs to obtain one is to have made love. And one’s level of hygiene, intellect and class – and those of one’s partners – are irrelevant.

And a person who possesses one, usually shows no outward sign.

Therefore, contracting one is merely bad luck. Society does not ridicule people who have contracted ‘flu – or malaria – or meningitis. So why do STDs produce such behaviour?

Thankfully, medics are above such stupidity, so if you DO experience watery spots, pain while peeing or any other obvious symptom – do NOT wait for it to go away. It will. But then later – sometimes YEARS later – it will RETURN. And in a much more difficult-to-cure form. And during that time, you may have infected countless other people.

So get it sorted IMMEDIATELY. Most countries have free STD clinics – their authorities do not want to see STDs spread any more than you WANT one. And never forget, whilst HIV-AIDS has pushed diseases like Syphilis from the public consciousness, untreated, they are just as deadly.

Before modern drugs were developed to combat them in their early stages, they were the AIDS of their day. And if neglected, they are capable of regaining that position. Which of course brings us to…


Over the last half-century, there have been two major developments that have radically altered sexual behaviour.

First, in the early Sixties, came the birth control pill. It enabled women, for the first time ever, to be in full control of their sexuality. At last, sex could be enjoyed purely for recreation, instead of procreation.

Then some twenty years later, just when most people had become used to the new sexual freedom – AIDS reared its ugly head.

Properly called HIV-AIDS, it started in Africa, then spread to the gay communities of North America, Europe and the rest of the World.

Eventually, it crossed over into the heterosexual community – at which point governments began to sit up and take notice. Fearing a World-wide epidemic like the Great American Plague of 1918, they began to act.

In their typical “knee-jerk” fashion – and with a minimum of concrete facts to go on – they began huge, expensive advertising campaigns, trying to convince people to engage only in “safe”, then “safER” sex.

As a result of which, a whole generation grew up who, if they dared to engage in sex AT ALL, used a device the birth control pill had virtually replaced – the primitive, barbaric CONDOM.

Some became so paranoid, they did not dare TOUCH a lover intimately, without first donning rubber gloves – hardly in the spirit of loving sex.

However, the projected epidemic did not happen – at least, not in the West.

But embarrassingly for the governments, this appeared to have little to do with their ad campaigns. Statistics showed that overall, only a relatively small percentage of people – mostly the young and impressionable – had actually changed their sexual habits as a result of them.

The adverts stopped.

AIDS research budgets were cut.

The facts were slow to emerge. But eventually, studies showed the vast majority of heterosexual infections had been transmitted through ANAL intercourse.

In many undeveloped areas of Africa, anal intercourse was the traditional method of birth control. And despite the relief organisations handing out condoms like sweets, most people carried on as they had for thousands of years. Thus on the Dark Continent, HIV-positive figures soared.

But back in the West, there were many gay, bisexual and bi-curious men who, having chosen not to “come out”, lived their married, two-point-four-kids lives, whilst indulging in homosexual activities (which often included anal intercourse) in secret.

Also, many heterosexual men enjoyed the practise – and many prostitutes earned a good living from those whose wives did NOT.

And it was these last two groups who confused American research for some time.

Imagine the scenario: you have a middle-class American male. Married with three children. A member of the local Sporting Club.

But on the way home from the office, while driving through a seedy part of town, he spots an attractive young man, standing on a street corner.

And like Big Ben, Fort Knox and the Leaning Tower Of Pisa – he has the time, the money and the inclination.

So he spends an hour with him, in a motel.

But a while later, he discovers he is HIV-positive.

He realises he is going to DIE.

Then a researcher asks him how he contracted the disease.

On top of his existing problems, is he REALLY about to invite the vilification of his family and friends, when he needs them most, by choosing THIS time to come out?

Probably not.

In bygone days, the common excuse for having contracted an STD was “I must have caught it from a public toilet seat.”

But now, we had moved on.

The stock excuse for having contracted AIDS became the casual FEMALE encounter. Being “unlucky” was at least more acceptable than being gay, a bugger – or both.

And so it was that time and again, AIDS victims would screw up the research by reporting that their contact had been a straight, CONVENTIONAL one.

And right now, another twenty years on, the advice is STILL – wear a condom unless you are sure that you and your partner are HIV-negative.

But is this really necessary?

Some fifteen years ago, I wrote a piece that made the following argument: quote…

“The view this author is about to express may, in future years, appear prophetic – or downright irresponsible.

“But the fact is, given all currently available data, there is a good case for stating that realistically, the only SIGNIFICANT danger of contracting AIDS through heterosexual sex, comes from ANAL intercourse with an unknown partner.

“Thus it could be argued that if one were to AVOID same – and as a belt-and-braces measure, sex with “high risk” groups (homosexuals, bisexuals, needle-users, prostitutes, drifters and casual pickups) the actual risk of contracting AIDS through “unprotected” sex is ACCEPTABLE.

“So what is acceptable risk?

“Well, we all take them, in the course of our daily lives. For example, say we wish to go to a concert – the prospect is loaded with potential DISASTER. A traffic accident. Or we could be mugged. Or the venue could catch fire and we could be trapped in the loo. All of these things happen – open any newspaper.

“Every journey, event or activity involves risk. But we class most of them as ACCEPTABLE, since the alternative would be sitting in a corner waiting to DIE.

“Thus we weigh up the risks involved, balance them against the BENEFITS and provided said balance is reasonable and having taken all practical precautions – we trust the rest to LUCK.

“Almost always, we get away with it. Despite the mayhem we see in our newspapers and on TV, most people die in bed. And since STATISTICS are the only true barometer of risk, THEY are what we need to examine, when it comes to deciding how we live our lives.

“Therefore, given the incidence of AIDS transmitted through conventional, heterosexual sex is very LOW – and given the benefits of making love NATURALLY are very HIGH – this writer believes there is a strong argument for sending the wretched condom back to the Dark Ages, from whence it came.”

I then went on to point out that this was a PERSONAL view and that individuals had to make up their OWN minds – given that AIDS WAS a life-threatening disease – but that they should do so whilst being as aware of the currently known FACTS as possible.

Well, that was fifteen years ago. During which time, yours truly has walked unhurt from a train-wreck, missed terrorist bombings, earthquakes, gang-land shootouts, the Boxing Day Tsunami and a New Year’s Eve nightclub fire all by only a few days, avoided SARS, bird ‘flu, swine ‘flu, dodged various other bullets AND made passionate love – unprotected – with over sixty women.

And as I type these words, all of my various parts are still intact and I am HIV-negative – just like almost everyone else in the West.

So YOU decide.

UPDATE. Another four years on, more facts have emerged that reinforce the view I expressed – now, nearly twenty years ago.

Firstly, after more than THIRTY years of scientific research, there is STILL no actual proof that HIV and AIDS are even RELATED.

Secondly, it has been discovered that the AIDS tests routinely carried out are capable of giving FALSE POSITIVE indications if any one of over SIXTY non-related diseases – malaria, TB and so on – are present in the person being tested.

Thirdly, it is now accepted that AZT, the drug first used to combat AIDS, may have KILLED more people than it saved.

Fourthly, while people point to Africa as proof that AIDS is a killer – they forget that in that continent, bad water, malnutrition and crushing poverty exist. Furthermore, the organisations who have to document the causes of individual deaths are insanely overstretched. This inevitably results in many cases simply being listed as caused by AIDS, when no real examination has taken place.

Thus, in addition to local social issues causing AIDS (anal intercourse being used as birth control, as described above) the main cause of death in Africa is simply that those people were unfortunate enough – to have been born in AFRICA.

Therefore, I now am now reiterating that individuals need to be aware of the FACTS – separated from hysterical media reports (fear sells) finger-wagging government statistics (having spent all that taxpayers’ MONEY…) and pharmaceutical corporations’ hype (AIDS meds have made them RICH).

Then, having ascertained those facts, they – and YOU – can make an EDUCATED decision on the question of “acceptable risk”.

                  *           *           *


Time and again, you will hear that the secrets to a successful, lasting, loving relationship are honesty, trust, compatibility, communication – or even just great sex. However, whilst all of these things are a given, the REAL secret (another drum-roll, please) is…

The Secret To A Successful, Lasting, Loving Relationship is – for BOTH of you to put each other on a PEDESTAL.

In other words, you identify the needs of your lover and then FEED them.

Of course, everyone’s needs are different, but here are some general ones to give you a start…

All men need to feel that they are handsome, virile, witty and always right.

And all women need to feel that they are beautiful, intelligent, sexy and never wrong.

These ones are generic, but for the rest, you will have to study your lover. And having worked out what their needs are, devote your life to fulfilling them, in order to make that person feel wonderful, all the time.

Just think how marvelous it would be to have a geisha girl/slave boy living with you, satisfying every desire – then think how little REAL effort it would take to BE one.

If you love the other person, it should be a pleasure, not a chore – mostly it is about ATTITUDE.

F’rinstance, your significant other enters the room wearing an absurd-looking new hat and says, “Darling, what do you think?”

Instead of falling about laughing, you say something along the lines of, “Hmm, it’s not really YOU.” This shifts the blame from their abysmal taste to the (inanimate) hat. It is just about spin.

Another f’rinstance: let your lover win the next disagreement, even if you know – and can prove – that you are right. Then leave your evidence lying around, where they are sure to find it. They SHOULD come back to you and apologise. Then you can accept their minor defeat magnanimously. It is a much nicer way of living than constant rows and a slow deterioration of communication.

“In the battle of the sexes, there can only be two losers.”

And taking this attitude does not make you “pussy-whipped” or a “Stepford Wife”. If you make a GAME of it, you can both maintain your strength, dignity, communication and above all – humour.


A recurring theme of this epistle has been that lovers should always tell each other everything – well, almost (you will recall that blurting out an indiscretion is WRONG – you must carry that guilt ALONE). But how MUCH?

This again would fill a book, but basically your lover should be told all they NEED – and have a right – to know. Thus intimate details of previous affairs and past deeds you are ashamed of are a no-no. While stories of your past that give insight into the person you are NOW – are a yes-yes.

But the past is done, therefore anything that might put your lover OFF you, should be BURIED.

However, whilst the past is another country – the present is both of YOU. Therefore you must try to ensure that from NOW ON, everything you do is OPEN. By which I mean – if your lover found out about it, they would not be upset.

Of course, a VERSION of the truth is okay – if we all said EXACTLY what was on our mind, life would be intolerable. But ultimately, your lover is half of YOU. So what you tell THEM – must be what you would be happy with them telling YOU.


All relationships are based on alpha-beta pairing (dominant-submissive – see below). Usually the male is the alpha, but not necessarily. Many relationships work perfectly well, where the female is dominant.

And sadly, some relationships are based on constant conflict. Although as shown above, it does not have to be that way.

But the reason for all male-female conflict is that the two animals are very different. And an appreciation of the differences can help us understand what is needed to reduce the friction that occurs.

Back in the Seventies, a series of experiments were carried out on a group of human guinea-pigs, under scientific conditions, to analyse these variants (the studies were made for commercial reasons, but the results are interesting for our purposes).

Among the various discoveries made were that men are, on average, more logical and better with technical devices than women – while women have better dexterity.

But while those determinations might have rated an entry in the Guinness Book Of The Blindingly Obvious, others came as a surprise.

Like, women have a higher threshold of boredom – and will act more rationally in a pinch (which is why nowadays, women are increasingly being trained as airline pilots. Most flying is routine, but when it DOES all go horribly wrong, a woman in the Left Seat is more likely to get you back on terra firma in one piece).

Anyhoo, while the list of betters and worses goes on and on, the point which is relevant to US is that OVERALL, men and women have AS MANY strengths and weaknesses as each other – they just have DIFFERENT strengths and weaknesses.

All of which makes a NONSENSE of “equality”. The term implies superiority and inferiority, which, when applied to men and women is simply irrelevant.

In primitive times, a man was superior to a woman by virtue of his physical strength. And he still is – on average (although if some entrepreneur with a warped sense of humour put Woody Allen into a ring with the reigning Olympic women’s shot-put champion, I know who MY money would be on).

But we have moved on. These days, a man can be as strong as an ox and still be unable to find gainful employment.

Superiority, in OUR time, is measured in knowledge, intelligence, experience and the ability to understand and deal with the World and its inhabitants. Skills which are asexual.

Of course men and women are different. And many feminists have done their cause irreparable harm trying to convince people otherwise. Endeavouring to get men to treat women like men.

The thing is, neither men NOR women wish to be treated like androgynous robots. The male and female ids, egos, souls, whatever – and general ways of thinking and behaving – are TOTALLY different and most would wish them to remain so.

Nowadays, only a complete bonehead would deny a woman’s right to EQUAL respect, human rights, opportunities and pay. But when it comes to social behaviour – vive la difference!

And it is these very differences that put the SPARK into sexual relationships.


At the start of this exposition, your obedient scribe stated that love was fifty percent sexual chemistry. This was true (would I lie to you?) but was an average. Contrary to popular belief, men are driven more by EMOTIONAL chemistry – and WOMEN, by sexual chemistry.

Hence the tendency to move Heaven and Earth to maintain a good sexual relationship is WAY stronger in women (men will just go and visit a bar) while the tendency to cause mayhem when thwarted in love is far greater in men.

And both men AND women will obsess (was that ALWAYS a verb?) about people. Will stalk them. Even build shrines to them. This is because love and sex are the two most powerful drives we have. They override eating, sleeping, pain, the evacuation of waste-products – even self-preservation.

It is genetically imprinted in all of us – and a few hundred years of fashion and social conditioning have done little to eradicate millions of years of evolution. Hence, men’s heads turn when a large-breasted, wide-hipped woman passes by. Likewise, women notice a v-shaped, well-endowed man.

And whilst society may dismiss such types as bimbos and neanderthals, it is overruled by genetic programming.


(Or “œdipus schmœdipus – so long as he loves his mother”).

Some people unconsciously – or even consciously – seek partners who resemble their mothers or fathers. This is particularly so, when said parent has fallen short in some way.

As stated earlier, in “Homosexuality”, the reasons why we are attracted to someone are complex. And trying to analyse them is akin to trying to analyse good comedy or magic. If you succeed, the spell may be broken.

So if your lover bears more than a passing resemblance to one of the people who brought you into this World, do not fret. Just be glad the chemistry works.


Variations of personality are infinite. And the variations of an individual’s personality even more. Ask someone’s six previous partners to describe them and you will get six different descriptions. This is because the PARTNERS were different – therefore, they each saw a different side of the person.

What is more, said person would have presented a different aspect of themselves to those people anyway, in order to relate to them as closely as possible.

And to complicate matters still further, characteristics seen as shortcomings by some of their partners – may have been viewed by others as their most endearing qualities.

Thus you should NEVER try to CHANGE yourself, in order to fit in with someone else’s idea of the perfect partner. Provided you can look within yourself and be content with what you see – then stay true to that. And if your partner does not like that – change the partner. Then seek someone who will love you for yourself.

Who you ARE is what matters – not what people think of you.


According to Paul Simon, there are fifty ways to do this. But none of them lessen the pain experienced by the “dumpee”.

When a woman dumps a man, she invariably says, “…but I’d like us to remain friends.” There are various reasons for this – but all are bogus. It means down-grade a passionate, sexual relationship to the level of a sibling friendship. No man can DO that.

Of course, if a man suggested the same thing, the woman would cut off his testicles and shove them up his nose (another of those differences, detailed above).

If and when the time comes – break CLEAN. There is nothing more pitiful than a dead relationship that will not lie DOWN.

But please remember how much – and how long – it HURT, the last time someone did it to YOU. The dumpee must have meant something to you once. So when the pregnant moment arrives – be GENTLE. And for gawdsake REHEARSE what you are going to say and AVOID those ghastly clichés like, “It’s not you, it’s me…” and “You’ll find someone…” Be ORIGINAL!


Forget drum-rolls. This one deserves TRUMPETS.

“The Vast Majority Of Marriages Are Marriages Of Convenience.”

World-wide, this is a SECRET TRUTH.

Oh, not for the traditional reasons – obtaining citizenship, uniting families for societal and/or economic purposes, etc. The reasons are purely social.

You see, there comes a point in everyone’s life when they feel the time has come to “settle down”.

They envisage themselves at thirty, with a spouse, two-point-four children, a house, a car, etc. The alternative being Singles Hell.

Then they envisage themselves at seventy, surrounded by adoring grandchildren. The alternative being an old person sitting alone, unloved and miserable, in a dingy garret. Their stinking corpse being found with a TV dinner in their lap… you get the picture.

And this, combined with pressure from friends, relatives (particularly PARENTS) the media and seemingly the WHOLE of society, drives us into a PANIC.

Particularly when that society only gives us a five-year window to find the person we must spend the next FIFTY with.

For men, the window is from twenty-four to twenty-nine. For women, twenty-two to twenty-seven. Those who marry before the window face two issues.

First, comes the fact they will still be evolving as people. I.e., lovers who, at sixteen, are like “Siamese twins joined at the heart” will usually find that by their mid-twenties, they will have grown, matured and evolved in completely different directions (of course, this can happen at any time, but emotional development is much faster in youth).

And second – everyone needs time to experience life with several partners, in order to discover how relationships work – particularly with oneself. Marrying as virgins may work out in romantic pulp novels, but in the REAL World, it is a path to almost certain misery and divorce.

Furthermore, after a couple of years together, both partners will inevitably become curious about what – sexually – they have MISSED.

Then for those marrying after the window, other worries present themselves.

For women, the fear of being “left on the shelf” – coupled with GREATLY increased risks associated with childbirth.

And for men, the “confirmed bachelor” label may be less barbed than its feminine counterpart (spinster – these days, P.C.-ed into “bachelorette”) but it is still a turn-off for many women.

Plus, for both sexes, having a thirty-year-plus age gap between you and your kids is going to make understanding and communication even MORE difficult than ever.

Furthermore, this five-year window is also the time when most people’s concentration is focused on forging a CAREER for themselves.

As a result, many people these days try to EXTEND the window, preferring to wait until their mid or even late thirties before taking the plunge. But this new thinking cannot override Nature’s CLOCK (unless you have decided to forego having KIDS – about which, more later).

For decades, if you asked married couples how they met, they would answer – at a dance/party/at work, or introduced by a friend/relative. Then, the circle of potential life-partners was, for most people, painfully small.

Which is why, given the pressures described above, most would eventually SETTLE for the first convenient, reasonably compatible prospect that happened along.

The Marriage Of Convenience.

However, recently things have begun to change. Thanks to THIS medium – the Interweb – singles evenings and even holidays, plus “speed-dating” (a sort of Paul Jones, where seekers of love can meet thirty, forty or more potential life-partners in a single evening) people have the opportunity to meet MANY more people than earlier – before the need to commit to just one person forces itself upon them.

And this is ESSENTIAL, when you consider the odds…


…can be computed, once you understand the mechanism.

Inside the human brain, lies a code, a key, a NUMBER. And this will be anywhere between one – and around fifty. Just where this key can be found – is a mystery (if we knew, it would make computer-dating a HELL of a lot easier). It may be in a nugget of the brain science still knows little about – or it may be wired throughout the organ. We do not know.

Nevertheless, it EXISTS. Thus you might be a seventeen and I might be a thirty-two.

But if we were both sixes, or twenty-nines, or forty-fours – WHAMMO!!!

Suddenly, everything we would see in each other would be RIGHT. The way we looked, moved, smelled – EVERYTHING. THAT is LOVE.

At around the age of thirteen, the Australian aborigine goes “walkabout” and in doing so, he continues a tradition that has been around since Man learned to walk upright.

And on his travels, he will visit other tribes, nail about fifty girls – then, whammo. He will find his life-partner. All thanks to that NUMBER.

Think about it – if he bonded with the first girl he met, his race would die out immediately. His “seed” needs to spread. And again, if he just bonked his way through an indefinite number of girls, his race would STILL die out. This is because once he impregnates a girl, she needs him to stick AROUND – otherwise the baby will be unlikely to survive.

Thus it is and always has been. Which is why this primitive chemistry evolved. One in around fifty. The human race would not exist without it.

So, all you have to do is go on fifty dates and you will find your soulmate, right? Well, unfortunately, it is not quite that simple. Firstly, Nature is not an exact science (that is why we have “spare” organs). Which means that while you might be a forty-two, you might encounter a forty-two-A. This is where ONE of you feels the thing, but the other does NOT.

However, this only tends to happen about one time in three, so your odds have only lengthened to one in seventy-five, right?

Sadly, NO. Unless you ARE an aborigine, all you have found is LOVE. And while it IS the most important part of a relationship, if you want that relationship to work in the MODERN World, you will need to find a quantity of…


Age, race, creed, colour, politics, socio-economic group, taste in music, clothes and food, IQ, hobbies, habits, life-style, life-goals and alpha-beta (see below). All things that mean NOTHING to an aborigine, but which DOMINATE our modern lives.

And whilst waiting for a PERFECT match will condemn you to a life ALONE, there need to be SOME areas of overlap – or your life will be HELL. Just think of all those couples you have seen who obviously DO have The Chemistry – but cannot LIVE with each other.

Of course, some of the compatibilities are not really that important, when compared to the ESSENTIALITY (it’s a word) of love. But others can be vital.

F’rinstance, a big age gap can result in conversations like, “What’s your favourite Beatles song?” “Who?” OUCH! And while race may not be an issue for YOU, what about your parents? Likewise, creed and/or colour. A difference of political views might be stimulating – if your bond can handle it. Again, tastes are superficial, but if only ONE of you likes to wear outrageous clothes in public, it can cause friction. Mismatched IQs will result in limitations with verbal communication. And if one of you is a high-flying, Jewish, party-loving smoker, but the other… Etc., etc.

So what are the numbers, when it comes to compatibility? Well, it depends on YOU.

Like, imagine a man composing a “lonely hearts” ad: “Virgo, 58, Mensan, smoker, likes Neoclassical Folk and Minimalist Jazz, hobbies; abstract art, bog-snorkeling, ice-fishing, into Mongolian food and the films of Eisenstein – seeks similar.” How many replies will HE get? On the other hand: “Humdrum man, 32, likes most music, visits to the cinema, country walks and watching TV – seeks similar.”

In short, the more complex a person you are – the harder it will be to find compatibility.

Therefore, let us take an AVERAGE figure of ten-to-one. However, since the Chemistry Of Love is a primitive urge that stretches back to our cave-dwelling days – whilst compatibility is a product of our modern society – it can be seen that they have NO RELATION to each other. Therefore, as odds, they MULTIPLY. That is, one in seventy-five – TIMES one in ten.

Which means that every time you meet a likely prospect, the chances of them being The One – are only one in SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY.

BIG ouch!


While age, race, creed, colour, politics and so on are – in combination – vital areas of compatibility, the most important overall is alpha-beta.

There are two kinds of people in this World – alphas and betas. Those who lead and those who are led. Those who zip through the traffic and those who ARE the traffic.

And in any relationship, one partner will generally lead – the other follow. This difference may be minimal or totally define the relationship.

It matters not WHO is the alpha – many relationships thrive where the woman wears the trousers (although in public, for appearance sake, she may pretend to be submissive) – but most unions feature this dynamic.

And when searching for The One, having found love – and enough of the above compatibilities to enable the relationship to prosper – you will HAVE to establish who is the BOSS.

Provided it is just ONE of you, everything will be fine. One alpha and one beta makes for equilibrium.

And while many would argue that a relationship between two betas is like a ship with a busted rudder – directionless – the truth is that this too has balance.

However, the relationship to avoid like the plague is the one between TWO ALPHAS.

A good example would be Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. Both much-married, they married and divorced each other TWICE.

The reason was although Liz was clearly alpha and Dick beta, he could not abide being bossed about by her. His Welsh heritage – “where men are men and women are glad of it” – demanded he take the lead.

So before resigning yourself to a life of strife, step back and look at your alpha-beta status. You will not change the other – so make sure they are right, NOW.


With all of the above in mind, you can see what you are UP against. Try getting seven hundred and fifty dates from a dating agency. And even if you could, you would be burned out after the first twenty-five.

Therefore, calm down. Just resign yourself to the fact that unless you are VERY lucky, it will take YEARS to find The One (it took this writer FIFTEEN years of active searching) but when it happens, it will be WORTH it.

And if you are in any doubt – go down to the park, select yourself a bench and watch the couples walking by. Most of them are just WITH someone. But once in a rare while… you will SEE them. They may be seventeen or seventy. They are the ones holding hands. And as you look into their eyes, you understand… they have GOT it. You NEED what THEY HAVE.


There IS only love at first sight.

But sometimes, it can remain HIDDEN. Take the case of Mr Smith and Miss Jones. Mr Smith, a confirmed bachelor, is given his own office and a secretary, Miss Jones.

Miss Jones is thirty-ish, with glasses, a severe business-suit and hair tied in a bun.  Early, half-hearted suggestions by Mr Smith that she dine with him are politely refused. They settle down to a business relationship. Four years go by.

Then, one day, Miss Jones is uncharacteristically late. Finally, she staggers in, in a state of distress. Even through the glasses, Mr Smith can see her eyes are blurred with tears. She apologises for her lateness, explaining that this morning, she awoke to find her dog, Harold had died in the night.

He had been ill for some time, but having been her constant companion since childhood, she had not been able to bring herself to have him put to sleep. Thus, upon discovering that he had finally passed, she had rung the vet, who had promised to send someone to remove Harold’s earthly remains, after which appropriate arrangements could be made. And this was why she had been late.

Then as she walks across to her desk, her eyes being filled with tears, she trips headlong over the carpet. Her glasses go flying, her long skirt rides up, disclosing long, shapely legs and her hair becomes dislodged, flowing down to frame her oval face.

Mr Smith jumps up to help her and as he approaches her, takes in the sudden transformation. And as Miss Jones looks up to see his concerned face, he utters those immortal words, “Why, Miss Jones – I never realised before – you’re beautiful…”

Okay, the story has whiskers on it, but it illustrates the point regarding love at first sight, even though it appears to contradict it.

You see, for four years, Mr Smith and Miss Jones had never REALLY MET. They had had an invisible wall between them. And it took the demise of poor old Harold to knock that wall down. Thus, when the nice Mr Smith went to the aid of the lovely Miss Jones – they were only ACTUALLY meeting for the first time.

Anyway, onward…


First, FORGET about compatibility. All dating services CONCENTRATE on it – and people think once they have found it, “love will develop”. Bollocks!

If love is not there IMMEDIATELY – it never will be. As stated above, The Chemistry Of Love is INSTANT. And a relationship based on compatibility is just a relationship – and any resulting marriage will be that Marriage Of Convenience.

No, what YOU need to do is approach the problem from the OTHER END. Find LOVE – and then HOPE for compatibility. But it will not come easy…

Scenario. You are at a party, when suddenly you lock eyes with – THEM. The most fantastic person you have ever seen. You talk. You interact. Then you go to their place and make love ALL night (it is called “Committing Early”).

In the morning, you awaken with a big, soppy grin on your face. You are in LOVE. As you look across at them, they light up a fag. You (a rabid non-smoker) say, “I didn’t know you smoked.” They smile and say, “Oh yes – I’d run out last night and then we met and I had more important things on my mind – fancy some breakfast?”

“Oh – yes please,” you say, “Two eggs, bacon and a fried slice?” “Sorry,” they reply, “I’m a veggie – Nothing With A Face – how about cereal?”

“Okay,” you say. They switch on their bedside radio and put a cassette of Country music in. “Hey,” they say, “I’m going to a Line Dance tonight, you wanna come?” A Jazz and Blues fan, you make non-committal noises.

After they have gone to prepare breakfast, you go to the bathroom. It is filthy (your hygiene habits border on the obsessive-compulsive) and when you return to the bedroom to dress, you can now see, in the cold light of morning – that it too is a mess. Clothes reside where they were dropped and the remains of several meals litter the room.

Then suddenly a huge dog leaps into the room (you are a cat person). It snarls. Just as you figure you are about to die, your lover walks in with breakfast. “Oh, don’t mind Bruce – he’s quite playful when you get to know him, but he doesn’t like being left out all night. I forgot all about my poor boy – last night,” they say, with a knowing smile…

Uurgh. You know the two of you would not last a WEEK.

However, when this (or something like it) happens – and it WILL – do not be downhearted. You are not a cad/slut. You went into it with the best of intentions. The Chemistry was THERE. It was just everything ELSE that was – unknown to you at the time – a complete disaster.

So what do you do? Try, try, try again. And again. AND again. There is no shortcut.

But when The One DOES come along, what then?

Well, THAT will be the time to worry about compatibility. There are things that rarely come up in conversation, on those first dates. Like, do you both want or NOT want children?


Reasons to have kids: they say and do cute things, will carry on your name (and business?) and you will have the joy of creating and nurturing a new life. Like Dr Frankenstein.

Reasons not to have kids: they push the woman’s mind and body out of shape (and the body will never be the same again) they are hellishly difficult to deliver (two words – bowling ball) they rob you of sleep, then they are into everything, then they realize you are not the gods they thought you were and begin to mock your music, clothes and ideals (it is called REBELLION – in a primitive society, they would be off getting laid and making their way in the World – but modern society demands they stay home and STUDY for another five years) then they discover crime, recreational drugs and – all too soon – sex. Finally, they leave home and only return when they need money or their washing done – or both. Plus if you have more than one, you will spend your life refereeing their squabbles and if one should DIE on you, even if you were in no way responsible, your heart will bleed for LIFE. And all of this assumes you do not produce kids who are disabled.

Then (no, I have not finished) there are the financial considerations. Two mediocre wages put together are quite liveable-on. But since one of you is going to have to take at least ten years OFF work, to care for them, you will have to survive on HALF your income, whilst needing MORE money to support THEM.

All of which explains why Western birth-rates are beginning to DROP – particularly amongst the more intelligent members of that society.

Thus, any decision on whether you want kids cannot be taken lightly (or be influenced by your parents’ desire to be grandparents – they do not have to RAISE them). And you BOTH need to make the choice.

Just be thankful that nowadays, you HAVE the choice.

Other areas of compatibility that are unlikely to emerge in the early stages of a relationship concern how your day-to-day living is going to work. Will you both work? Where will you live? Will it be in a series of flats or a house? Or a house-BOAT?

And will you actually marry?


In the Good Old Days, one just assumed that a long-term relationship would climax with a marriage. But more recently, marriages have been climaxing with DIVORCE.

This is because many people who DID settle for that Marriage Of Convenience have been waking up to the fact they do not LOVE their partner and are WASTING their LIFE (and the life of their partner).

Of course, this happened before – it was just that practical, economic and social conditions forced all but the very rich to put UP with it. But modern people are more demanding and when they realize they have goofed up, they are not prepared to live with it.

The Power Of Love does not need a piece of paper to legitimise it. And two people who want to move on and try again will not be TIED by one either. Thus, the Marriage Certificate is worthless. Or is it?

Certainly, you no longer need one to share a hotel bedroom (provided your plastic is okay, they could care less). Even the LAST surviving reason – “We did it for the kids” – has now become irrelevant in many countries. The stigma of being “illegitimate” has long gone.

So why bother? Why not just live together? After all, sorting out the legal issues of a joint mortgage are far more difficult to deal with than a “quickie” divorce.

Well, call me old fashioned, but there is still a PRINCIPLE involved. That plain, gold band on the third finger of the left hand is the symbol of a tradition that is as old as the hills.

But then maybe that’s just me.


Some societies – and most religions – still insist people “save themselves for marriage”. Of course, they do not give a rat’s arse for the happiness of the individual – only for what they see as the Preservation Of Order.

And when people got married at fourteen, the concept may have been more practical. But times have changed.

Nowadays, in the Developed World, higher education, birth-control and an ever-lengthening life-expectancy have pushed the average age for getting spliced to the middle-to-late twenties – or even later (see earlier).

And since few people are prepared to spend the first ten to fifteen years of their sexually-mature lives ALONE – just living together has become commonplace. “Living In Sin” went out with The Twist. Many millions of people do it.

In fact, the proposal: “Will you move in with me?” has almost replaced the more traditional proposal.

However, its ramifications are no less important. Oh sure, when you are young, if it does not pan out, you can take your clothes, CDs and collection of garden gnomes and WALK. But by the time you are ready for a life-long commitment, you are likely to have acquired BAGGAGE. A career, items of furniture, stuff – and a lifestyle.

And when you pool all this stuff, it amounts to a LOT. And half of it will likely have to GO. But WHOSE stuff? And whose life-style will have to change?

Furthermore, if both of you are divorced (hopefully from two OTHER people – “second time around” NEVER works) and looking to give love another go, the issues are even MORE pronounced, given that you are committing big-time to something that went pear-shaped LAST time.

Thus, “just” living together is NOT an “easy option” to marriage.


Why is it that we have dozens of words for “husband” and  “wife” – but none for the person we live with – but are not married to?

Boyfriend/Girlfriend? Hardly appropriate if you are middle-aged.

Common-law-husband/wife? Sterile – and a pseudo-legal term.

Lover? Sweet – but it makes you sound like Lady Chatterley and Mellors.

Man/Woman? Too “Porgy And Bess”.

Partner? Well, it is a term I have used often in this dissertation – but only because there is nothing ELSE. It is a cold, formal term – and a confusing one if you happen to have a BUSINESS partner (straight men have been known to check into hotels with male business partners – and find they have been given the Bridal Suite).

No, a NEW word is LONG overdue – and I have it. The word is (one FINAL roll on the drums, please) “AFFINE”.

Dictionary definitions vary, but the basic thrust of the word will do: one with whom you have an affinity. And after the hash that has been made of other P.C. words – bachelorette, Ms., etc. – it would be nice to see a word that applies to MILLIONS of modern people take off. Use it, spread it, disseminate it – with my blessing.

                  *           *           *


And that is very nearly that.

Whether you choose to marry – or not – is entirely up to you.

Whether you choose to burden yourself with kids – or not – is entirely up to you.

Whether your sexuality draws you to those of your own sex – or those of the other – is entirely up to you.

Whether your sex-life resembles “9½ Weeks” – or five minutes of mindless rutting – is entirely up to you.

And whether you choose to follow The Common Herd into a loveless but compatible union – or SEEK LOVE RECKLESSLY and KEEP seeking it, then DUMP it if there is not enough compatibility and try again and again and AGAIN, until you finally NAIL it – is also up to you.

But just remember – you are FAR too important a person to WASTE your life with the wrong person (and you would not be doing them any favours either). You pass this way but once and if you do not get it RIGHT – you have BLOWN it.

Your AFFINE is more important than your career, the Five Impostors and anything anyone tells you is more important than your AFFINE.

Certainly, you can DABBLE with careers and the Five Impostors – they are fun and lucrative – but until you have found your AFFINE, you are only HALF a person. Your AFFINE is your LIFE. And you, theirs.

If any portion of the information imparted in the words above helps you avoid SOME of the MONUMENTAL aggravation all seekers of love must endure, then it has been worth my writing them – and your reading them.

And if there is a MESSAGE to be gleaned from them, it is in the title – Love, Sex and Relationships.

Most people have one of the three.

Many people have two.

But what we must ALL STRIVE FOR – the POINT of this existence – is ALL THREE.

It is my fervent hope YOU FIND THEM.





July 4, 2009. (c) 2009 John Bellamy - all rights reserved.

Leave a Comment

Be the first to comment!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Trackback URI

%d bloggers like this: