A wise man once said, “Building a successful relationship is akin to building a wall – where the bricks are love and the mortar, compatibility.

“Now you CAN just fashion it from mortar. Paint red oblongs onto it and it’ll LOOK like a wall – but it won’t be.

“Alternatively, if you pile rows of bricks onto one other, that’ll look like a wall too – until you give it a little shove.

“But if you build it from bricks AND mortar, you’ll have a wall that’ll last a lifetime.”

(Well actually, this observer said it after putting away a few beers – but it IS a good analogy).

LOVE

For thousands of years, poets and philosophers have tried to define what love is.

I can TELL you. It is actually quite simple (a roll on the drums, please).

Love is… fifty percent Emotional Chemistry and fifty percent Sexual Chemistry.

That is it.

That is all there is TO it.

And yet throughout civilisation, millions of people have agonised, suffered, committed suicide and murder over it.

Why?

Because it is the most powerful drug ever to be put in the hands of an unwitting public. And it originates from inside the body.

We now know when a person falls in love, a highly addictive chemical is released inside their brain, similar to that released when they eat chocolate. (Which is where the stereotype of the big woman reclining on a sofa, reading a romantic pulp novel whilst stuffing herself with chocolates, came from). We are all LOVE JUNKIES.

Which is why many lovelorn and  jilted people over-eat. Particularly chocolate.

So what IS Emotional and Sexual Chemistry?

EMOTIONAL CHEMISTRY

…is where your communication level is so high, when one of you itches, the other scratches. Where understanding is TELEPATHIC.

It is VERY rare.

SEXUAL CHEMISTRY

…is far simpler. It is that WOW! factor we all feel – for TOTALLY different stimuli. The stereotypical babe/hunk we see on magazine covers is only a convenient, CONVENTIONAL role model.

In actuality, YOUR babe/hunk might be skinny or Rubenesque, smooth or hairy, sixteen or fifty, towering or petite, etc. or etc. THAT depends on YOUR chemistry.

Unfortunately, said chemistry is as rare as rocking-horse poop.

All of us can FUNCTION with a partner who is not downright REPULSIVE to us – and many people do. But for that special chemistry, sometimes a long wait is necessary.

But there is one compensation. When you finally do meet someone for whom the chemistry is there for YOU, it will usually be there for them too. It’s interactive.

But be warned! If you meet someone who rings your chimes, but appears immune to your charms – drop them like a sandwich full of ants! As you read these words, there are millions of people suffering from the worst heart-complaint there is. Unrequited love.

Many have screwed up their whole lives, obsessing over the unobtainable. There are plenty more fish in the sea – move ON!

It has oft been said there is Someone In This World For Everyone. Baloney! If that were true, YOUR Someone could be living in Armenia (or if you happen to be reading this IN Armenia – Alice Springs).

The truth is, there are MILLIONS of Someones In This World For Everyone – but there are also BILLIONS of Someones who are total non-starters. YOUR problem is weeding them out.

And an additional problem is Society only gives you five years (ten, tops) to DO so (see “Relationships” – further down).

Of course, many people find SUBSTITUTES for love. I call them The Five Imposters: power, fame, wealth, experience and achievement. All very exciting. But ultimately, they are NO substitute for love. It is The Most Important Thing In The World – bar none. A life without love is a life wasted.

I once saw, written on a wall, the words, “THERE IS ONLY PASSION – THE REST IS BULLSHIT” – actually, I was the one who wrote it.

And whilst I am waxing poetic, now might be a good time to offer up a piece of prose which your humble scribe wrote, many years ago, on the very subject of love. It goes thusly…

THE REAL THING

You are sitting next to Her, in a field, on a warm Summer day, not touching – not even speaking. And when, next day, a friend asks, “How was yesterday?” you answer, “It was the most wonderful day of my life.”

Love is an obsession. An infatuation that lasts forever. A chemistry which makes Her, in your eyes, the most beautiful lady in the World, regardless of her looks.

Love is excitement, as you watch Her through daily life, knowing She is yours. It is anticipation, as you come home to Her – and marvel that you ever found Her.

Love is the immense relief you feel, as, waking next to Her, the realisation slowly dawns that She is not a dream.

You are Siamese twins – joined at the heart.

If you cannot relate to that, go straight on to “Sex”, below.

Of course, many relationships survive – for a while – on Sexual Chemistry alone. It is a force so powerful that many mistake it FOR love. But it ain’t. A relationship based JUST on Sexual Chemistry will be unlikely to last more than a few months. So do NOT commit yourself too deeply to someone until it has lasted at least a YEAR.

Which is not to say that as we pass through this Vale Of Tears, a short fling based solely on sex is worthless. Many survive on a succession of such relationships. They are known as “serial monogamists”.

You see, there is a set pattern to the progression of passion in a relationship. It rises to a peak almost immediately, then plateaus for around four months, until…

THE DANGER PERIOD

At around four months, the initial wild passion begins to fade. At this point, serial monogamists are like the proverbial Rats Leaving The Sinking Ship. And even some people who were hoping this time they had finally found their Someone Special PANIC and start looking for an exit.

The answer is to RECOGNISE this phase of a relationship for what it is. A transition from A Kind Of Madness into the full, warm glow of a loving relationship. And when the level of passion reaches this Comfort Zone, it will level OUT.

And this still very HIGH level will – with a little maintenance – last ‘Til Death Do You Part (see below – “Making Love Last”). A series of madnesses may be exciting, but for lifelong, CONTINUOUS happiness – nothing beats The Real Thing.

But a word of warning! There is one major snag with being “Siamese twins – joined at the heart”. How many lovers do you know, yourself perhaps included, who have had HUMUNGOUS arguments over seemingly trivial things?

F’rinstance, you and your beloved are walking side by side down the street, idly chatting and you suddenly realize you are talking to yourself. You turn around, look back and see them talking to a friend.

You walk back and stand there inwardly fuming until they have finished. Then once out of earshot of their friend and anyone else (since you know what you are about to say would sound ridiculous to an outsider) you proceed to have a blazing row with said beloved.

Of course, half an hour later when you think back on it, you wonder what the hell happened to make such a big deal out of an inconsequence.

The answer is the two of you were Out Of Sync. You see, the danger of becoming “Siamese twins – joined at the heart” is that as soon as one of you does something unexpected, or there is a minor misalignment of communication – the significance of the event becomes blown out of all proportion.

So how do you AVOID this trap? Simple. The next time you feel like MURDERING your beloved – give it an hour. Then the chances are that whatever so infuriated you will by then have diminished to the point you won’t even bother to bring it up.

Then again, if such petty things do NOT bother you – you probably do not love that person in the first place.

LOVE AND DEATH

Or at least, the death of love.

Love, when it occurs, lasts FOREVER. You can never fall OUT of love with someone. Once you have loved them, they will own a little corner of your heart forever.

Nevertheless, it is a fact of life that relationships DO break up. It may BE through death. Or less dramatically, because the partners had less compatibility than was required to keep it together. Either way, when this happens you must MOVE ON.

If the thing ended in bitterness and acrimony, do not even THINK of “getting even”. You loved the person once (and you still DO) and if you MUST part, you do NOT need your abiding memory of the relationship to be the spiteful action you took at the end. It will sit like a cancer in your mind for the rest of your life.

I believe it was Confucius who opined: “When beginning a journey of revenge – first dig two graves.” Indeed.

And then, give yourself TIME. If you rush straight back into the emotional minefield of dating before your heart is ready, you won’t be doing your dates or yourself any favours. On The Rebound relationships are almost always doomed to failure.

But neither must you crawl into a comfy little fox-hole of self-pity. Some have denied themselves years, even decades of love because of one affair that ended badly. Just move on.

But when you do find a new partner (and you will – there are millions of fantastic people out there and they’re all different) remember nothing screws up a budding relationship faster than constant references to previous ones. Unchecked, such references can quickly turn a healthy relationship into an Eternal Triangle with a spectre at one corner.

You do not have to FORGET Past Loves. They are a part of what makes you who you are now. Just put them away into a Bottom Drawer of your heart and get on with THIS one. In private moments, you can always open that drawer, take a memory out, indulge yourself for a moment, then put it back and FIRMLY close the drawer.

If it is your lover who is guilty of this, sit them down and explain your feelings. A little mutual understanding and tolerance can generally resolve the issue.

Remember – unless you are both First Time Lovers (unlikely) you will ALWAYS have to share your partner with their Past Loves. Just try and minimise the effect.

MAKING LOVE LAST

As stated above, love never dies – but it can be overlooked.

When you have found your perfect partner (or as near as dammit  – “Relationships” comes later) and mastered the art of avoiding the Out Of Sync trap – and the pitfall of referring to Past Loves – all you have to worry about is keeping the thing ALIVE.

Sex will not be a problem (“Sex” also comes later) but love needs to be nurtured. Otherwise you can easily forget it is THERE.

Basically, this means making sure that you never, ever take each other for granted. Remember – you are both BLESSED. Most couples do not HAVE what you have (later – “Relationships”).

So watch for the danger signs. Behaviour towards each other which is casual, sloppy or careless. Say “I love you” often. Keep the unexpected in your relationship.

Buy your lover occasional presents for no particular reason. Something hand-made – preferably by YOU – can often be better than something bought.

Go out together on the spur of the moment. This is far more exciting than planned trips. Keep your lover just slightly off-balance. Be unpredictable.

But do not allow unpredictability to become insanity – or nurture to spill over into obsession. This will only serve to SPOOK your lover!

In fact, it is all too easy to become TERRIBLY SERIOUS about the whole thing. And while it IS serious, if you become TOO intense, the whole thing can slide into the realms of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). So lighten up!

Indeed humour can keep the relationship bubbling away nicely, while taking nothing away from it. Rather it gives it a protective shell. After all, you both know how you REALLY feel, deep down. So have FUN with it.

SEX

You know, for a World that is obsessed with sex – open any tabloid – we are incredibly closed-minded about the whole thing.

Freud said everything we do is connected directly or indirectly to sex. And of course the old boy was absolutely right.

But the trouble with sex is people attach too much significance to it – and not nearly enough importance.

Too much significance? If a man went out and punched the first man he saw – then went and felt up the first woman he saw – which act would he get into the most trouble over?

Not enough importance? In surveys, few people put sex at the top of their list of requirements for a life partner. Honesty, reliability, etc. Those always rate higher.

Two words – GET REAL!

SEX IS EVERYTHING

And when performed by human beings, it is a whole lot more sophisticated than when animals do it. After all, when did you last see a sheep in fetish gear? Okay, bad example perhaps. But the point is, when humans do it, it is only thirty percent physical. The other seventy percent is CEREBRAL.

Sadly, there are still primitive men whose idea of sex is that it is a twice-weekly event where they void their loins into their woman, then turn over and go to sleep.

Likewise, there are still primitive women whose idea of sex is that it is a “duty” – and the less often they are “bothered” the better.

However now, thanks to the birth control pill, which lead directly to the social and sexual revolution of the late Sixties and early Seventies, such people are becoming a thing of the past.

Modern women, thanks to magazines like Cosmo, require – nay, DEMAND at least one orgasm every night. And modern men are realising, in ever increasing numbers, that by observing the traditional ritual of “wham, bam, thankyou ma’am” – THEY are missing out.

This is because a woman’s orgasm is SIX times more powerful than any man’s. Which means that if a man is properly in tune with his woman, when she peaks, he will experience a sympathetic “mental orgasm” which, while it may be only half as powerful as hers – will still be THREE times more powerful than his own.

Indeed, when he finally climaxes at the end of the session, having fully satisfied his woman, unless he switches his concentration to himself, HIS orgasm may be anti-climactic.

KEEPING SEX ALIVE

This writer mentioned earlier that if you are in love, sex will never be a problem. This is because, given that love is fifty percent Sexual Chemistry, the sex will ALWAYS work. The problems arise when the Emotional Chemistry is missing.

Hence, as stated before, the need for both. When a relationship is based solely on Sexual Chemistry, no matter HOW fantastic the lovemaking was at first,  it will eventually become boring and routine.

When this happens, many couples accept it as being inevitable and slowly phase sex OUT of their relationship. “Of course, when we were young, we couldn’t keep our hands OFF each other, but now we are past all that nonsense. We have our garden.” Baloney! See later – “Sex And Old Age”.

Other couples find alternative sexual partners, either separately and secretly, or together and openly – an “open marriage” – “swinging”.

But this solution is fraught with dangers. Apart from the obvious ones (STDs, unwanted pregnancies, Social Services worrying about your kids - even BLACKMAIL, if you have a social standing) there is ALWAYS the threat that one partner will suddenly realise they have fallen in LOVE with someone they were only expecting to be a casual sexual partner – leading to recrimination, separation and divorce. With attendant weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.

And the final irony is that the new relationship may very well be based on Sexual Chemistry alone and go right down the dumper after a few months anyway.

Another solution favoured by some is to visit a “Sex Therapist”. However I can save you the money – their techniques consist, essentially, of De-Sensitising couples to each other – then slowly Re-Sensitising them. This can produce fantastic short-term results – “It was like re-discovering ourselves all over again.”

And for couples who LOVE each other, but had forgotten (see above) this can put them back on the right path – but for those who only had a Relationship, the novelty soon wears off, they revert back to their previous routines and find themselves right back where they started.

In the final analysis, the ONLY way to keep sex alive is to live with someone you LOVE.

GOOD LOVERS

There is no such thing.

There are POTENTIALLY Good Lovers. These are people who possess a maximum of practical knowledge combined with a minimum of inhibitions.

Good Sex can ONLY be achieved by TWO people creating a MUTUAL act of passionate lovemaking.

And during that lovemaking, the bodies are merely conduits through which the minds can communicate. Lovemaking is the HIGHEST form of communication there is. You can NOT fake it.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

Given the above, you owe it to your lover – and they to you – to be clean to the point of hospital sterility, so that both of you can, with complete abandon, DIVE IN to one another, covering every square inch of each others’ bodies, confident you will never find anything distasteful.

That subconscious feeling which some still have that sex is “dirty” MUST be eradicated from your mind if you are to enjoy the uninhibited, free and TOTAL commitment to each other that pure love demands. This means…

BATHE

Do it BEFORE making love. (Afterwards is optional – you can always leave it till morning). Fresh sweat during lovemaking can be a turn-on. Stale sweat is NOT.

HAIR

In the case of the man, stubble can cause considerable discomfort to the woman, particularly during oral sex. SHAVE!

In the case of the woman, pubic hair can get in the way of oral and in extreme cases even penetrative love-making. LOSE it! 

There are many methods of depilationonthe market. Creams and “Lady-Shavers” are easiest. However, electrolysis – professionally performed – provides the best results [it was the best £400 this writer ever spent] but is PERMANENT – thus follows the same rule as Sexual Surgery (see later).

If the woman is attached to her fluff, a common compromise is to remove just the hair around the vagina, leaving a small bush on the Mound Of Venus (avoid the “Mohican” cut – it looks ridiculous).

But be advised – TOTAL removal of the pubic hair will drastically reduce the release of pheromones – “The Smell Of Sex” – so whilst a smooth pud may APPEAR to be the ultimate in womanhood, you are giving up a sexual stimulus.

In any case, pubic hair becomes flattened by underwear – thus it should always be BRUSHED before lovemaking, to make it light and fluffy!

FINGER NAILS

In the case of the man, these should be clean, with NO SHARP EDGES – otherwise manual stimulation of the vagina or clitoris could result in infection and/or haemorrhaging.

“LOVE JUICES”

After making love, various fluids are liable to be present. These are part of the ACT. Wiping them away is tantamount to wiping your mouth after a kiss.

If you must eventually do it, use a clean, soft towel. Never use tissue. You will forever be finding bits of it in intimate places – a real turn-off.

NOISES

Thwacks (thighs against buttocks, etc.) slurps, squelches, even “pussy-farts” (air forced into the vagina, particularly during rear-entry positions, which is expelled as the woman relaxes) and other sex-associated sounds are, like juices, part of the act. Enjoy them!

ATTITUDE

Sex is a RIGHT that both of you have. To deny your lover that right in any kind of “power-play” is WRONG. Sex should never be used as emotional barter.

And never reject your lover.

Sex is much more than just penetration. Tiredness, periods, even mild illnesses are no excuse for making your lover feel rejected. Substitute oral sex, masturbation or just a CUDDLE. The difference is everything.

Also, given that sex is VERY important – spend a little MONEY. Many people’s idea of “sex aids” are vibrators and “kinky” clothes (of which, more later).

But while these toys are important for adding fun, variety and spice to the act, things like a firm bed (comfy is nice for sleeping, but for good sex you need PURCHASE) satin sheets and a soft red light (covering a bedside light with a red handkerchief may start a fire – but not the kind you were hoping for) are a lot more PRACTICAL.

In Europe, where they have long since known this, they use a specially-made chair (D.I.Y.-ers take note) similar to those used in hospitals for intimate examinations, which enables the woman to sit back, legs akimbo, at exactly the right height for the man to enter her, standing, so that both parties are face-to-face with hands free.

All these things and more will add comfort, as well as variety, to your lovemaking.

“KINKY” SEX

The most exciting sex you can HAVE – is with someone you LOVE. This cannot be over-emphasised.

A totally conventional session with a LOVER beats, hands DOWN, a doing-it-covered-with-whipped-cream-while-hanging-from-the-chandelier-type session, with someone you only have sexual chemistry with.

Also, there’s practicality to consider. Covering your lover with syrup and licking it off might SOUND groovy, but they will be ASLEEP before you are finished and you will be left with some SERIOUS laundry to do.

However, there ARE many practises that can ENHANCE your love-making and rest assured, those will be addressed later. 

SEX MANUALS 

Sex is like art. It cannot be taught, but if the natural talent is there, it can be nurtured, enhanced and given creative direction. This is where sex manuals come in.

However, you need to chose them carefully. Their drawback is they are usually written by one person. And if that person thinks like you, but is more knowledgeable – then fine. But if not, you will be unable to identify with the style and content of their book.

One exception is “The Joy Of Sex” (the original version). This tome could well be entitled “The Joy Of Loving Sex”, being far MORE than a sex manual. It is also an examination of the whole STRUCTURE of sexual relationships.

And unusually, it was NOT written by just one person – rather a QUORUM of people, who in turn got their knowledge from all of their friends. A pyramid of wisdom, with the book at the top. Ultimately, it represents the experiences of a whole generation (early Seventies California) who, having just emerged from the Sexual Revolution, paused to examine what they’d learned. Their conclusions are distilled into the book.

It’s the best present you’ll ever buy for yourself, your friends or your kids (assuming, of course, that they are OLD enough). It galls me to publicise their book when they are unlikely to publicise THIS noble work – but it is that good.

TALK ABOUT IT

In the early stages of a relationship, it is essential to discuss all aspects of sex and hold “post-mortems” after lovemaking sessions. This may seem clinical and unromantic, but will pay DIVIDENDS, in the form of opening communication, building intimacy and finding out what makes each other TICK. If you’re going to be together FOREVER, you had better know each other’s likes and dislikes.

Imagine how mortified you’d feel, TWENTY YEARS into a relationship, to discover something something you had always WANTED to try with your lover – but had been reticent to suggest, for fear they might think you “kinky” – was something THEY had always desired, but had not dared mention, for the same reason. OUCH! It happens.

The fact is, nothing, repeat NOTHING that two lovers enjoy – or at least, that neither actively DISLIKES – is anything less than desirable, no matter how bizarre it might appear. Lovers should always do EVERYTHING they can to please each other.

A person will often find something they had not previously even THOUGHT of, becomes a major turn-on for THEM – because of the effect it has on their PARTNER.

However, where this comes off the rails, is when one partner COERCES the other. If two people cannot find enough common ground in their sexual interests, they should not be together in the first place. This is all part of compatibility (see “Relationships” – later).

EROGENOUS ZONES

These were first discovered by Vasco Da Gama in 1498.

No, they weren’t – but I had you going for a moment, didn’t I? Actually, they are those parts of the body – in both men and women – which respond to sexual stimulation. And about which, whole books have been written.

But for this subject, books are useless, as no two people are alike. For example, some people respond to having their anus gently stroked with a finger-tip during lovemaking. If the man does it to the woman during penetration, she will often involuntarily tighten her vaginal muscles, adding to the pleasure of both partners.

Likewise, some men’s nipples become sensitive to gentle stroking and tweaking, during arousal.

And it is not just stimulation of the obvious genital regions that generate excitement (see “Intimate Erogenous Zones”, below). The armpits, neck, ears, cheeks (upper or lower) scalp, back, inner thighs, feet, toes. Almost any part of the body can be erogenous – if the right person is touching it.

But we all have different “buttons”. Stroke the same area on different people and whilst one might go ballistic, another might only feel tickled, another irritated and yet another – nothing. The name of the game is EXPERIMENT.

And do not forget to Talk About It (see above). It is no use discovering – in your eighties – that that little thing you always did to your precious that made them wriggle with delight – was actually making them SQUIRM.

INTIMATE EROGENOUS ZONES

Familiar to all, but their workings are a mystery to many.

THE PENIS

It belongs to the man, but much emotional warmth (and private hilarity, when in company) can be had if you treat him like a third person and give him a name (not Percy or Roger – be creative!)

He is, after all, the direct conduit through which much of your physical communication must ultimately flow. Praise him when he performs well, but do not chastise him should he fail.

Impotence is frequently caused not by failure – but by the memory of  previous failures. And these may have been induced by completely innocuous circumstances. Distractions. Tiredness. Stress.

Everyone has an off-day. “Only someone who is mediocre is always at their best.” So just laugh it off – otherwise the man’s fragile ego may be damaged beyond repair. Or, in an attempt to patch it up, he may go looking for redemption elsewhere…

In any case, if a man concentrates on his WOMAN and FORGETS Jasper, Captain Cucumber, Mr Happy or whoever, until later in the lovemaking  session, impotence can quickly be cured.

Once he has given her one or more almighty orgasms, using his finger and/or tongue, he will be a Lovemeister! A Superstud! If his penis fails to perform NOW, his woman will be unlikely to condemn him, having been fully satisfied herself. And with the pressure now OFF, IF he is with the right woman, he will usually find his desire – and erection – returning.

THE TESTICLES

The organs which produce sperms and hormones often ALSO produce delightful sensations for the man, when stroked, fondled or sucked. But take it EASY! They are delicate and must be handled with care, or injury can result. In this respect, they are similar to a woman’s breasts.

THE VAGINA

Contrary to popular belief, only around thirty percent of a woman’s stimulation is derived from the nerves which are (only) around the top of this legendary orifice.

It will stretch to snugly accommodate anything from a finger to (when dilated) a baby’s HEAD – and those nerves will still only receive the same stimulation. Thus the age-old claim that “size is not important” – is largely true.

However, some women – particularly those with a “hooded clitoris” (see below) – receive much MORE than thirty percent of their stimulation from the vagina and can achieve a VERY powerful “vaginal orgasm”. This may take a long, sustained build-up to create – but when achieved, the result  will be picked up on SEISMOMETERS!

THE CLITORIS

Still, to many man – and even some women – a complete mystery as to location. The woman has two pairs of vertical lips around the vagina. The outer, which form the exterior “walls” of the whole apparatus. And the inner, much thinner flaps of skin which form the edge of the vagina.

And at the top, where these inner lips meet – and partially hidden by them – lies the clitoris.

It is like an iceberg, in that most of it remains hidden beneath the surface. Only a tiny bud, about the size of a match-head, is exposed – but like the penis, this too fills with blood and swells when stimulated.

But all women’s clitorises are different. Thus early in a relationship, the man should establish which part of his particular woman’s bud is most sensitive (see the “clock-face” technique, below). Also, the degree of pressure, speed, etc., should be noted.

With most women, seventy percent of their sexual sensations are derived from this “bud of pleasure” – which, like the penis, can also be given a name.

Unfortunately, with many sexual positions, particularly rear-entry ones, this vital organ receives little or no stimulation at all – hence the large number of women who have NEVER HAD an orgasm.

Indeed, the reason some women object to rear-entry positions has less to do with its primitive associations – “it’s how the ANIMALS do it” – than the fact it affords no stimulation to their clitorises. And while the Missionary Position (conventional man-on-top) is boring, it DOES allow for clitoral stimulation.

The problem is, it is very limiting, as the man’s hands are occupied in supporting himself. The modern compromise is a SERIES of positions and manoeuvres which will give ALTERNATE stimulation to BOTH partners.

This last is very important. The classic “69″ position (mutual, simultaneous oral stimulation of the sexual organs) has one big drawback – it is impossible to concentrate fully on the giving and receiving of pleasure at the same time. Therefore, it is far better to ALTERNATE these activities, thus allowing for total concentration on the job in hand (so to speak).

THE HOODED CLITORIS

This is where the inner lips grow right OVER the clitoris, rendering it almost useless. Only a simple operation is needed to correct this condition, but due to ignorance of this fact – or even fear of involving a doctor in “intimate” matters – some women go though their entire lives having NEVER experienced a clitoral orgasm.

Thankfully though, many of these women unwittingly compensate for this condition to at least some degree, by developing increased sensitivity of their vaginal nerves. And some discover their “G-Spot”.

THE “G-SPOT”

Whole books have also been written about this sacred but elusive region. It is, in effect, a “back-door” to the clitoris, which allows rear-entry positions to provide stimulation of the submerged, larger portion of the organ.

And since primitive man favoured that position, it is a fair assumption that without the G-Spot, we would not be here now.

Anyhoo, this region is also a strong candidate for manual stimulation – if the man can find it. It is a region of the INSIDE of the vagina, about three inches up the front wall. To locate it, simply place the palm of the hand on the woman’s Mound Of Venus (the slight bump above the vagina) and curl the longest finger up inside the vagina and gently rub the front of the vaginal wall, up and down.

And that is it. On some women, the effect is minimal, but on others it is ELECTRIC!!!

But remember the earlier warning about sharp fingernails. Dildos with a bend and a little knob on the end are designed for this region. And any man who can master its secrets will be deemed a Lovemeister!

THE NIPPLES

Occasionally sensitive to being stroked and tweaked on a man, but almost always on a woman – particularly if she has had kids. Indeed, some women can be brought to shuddering orgasms by this technique alone – particularly during certain times of their cycles.

But as with ALL the “equipment”, great CARE must be taken, or delight can give way to PAIN. And now having described The Equipment, let us examine some more things we can DO with it.

MASTURBATION

For a man or woman to be able to properly enjoy making love with someone ELSE, they must first be able to enjoy making love with THEMSELVES.

And while the practise can be used as a SUBSTITUTE for a partner (hence the unjustified scorn ignorant people pour upon the activity) it is also a very important part of mutual, interactive lovemaking.

It can be highly erotic. Try sitting, facing each other and seeing who can come first.

And of course – it is risk-free.

Furthermore, it can also be a useful tool (in a manner of speaking) when one partner is incapacitated by disability (see “Sex And The Disabled” – later).

If ejaculate is not used, it will only emerge later anyway – during “wet dreams” – or be absorbed back into the body. Its production is continuous, thus the Old Wives’ Tale about “using up your seed” is poppycock!  

Also, a person who comes across their lover masturbating (I could have put that better) and as a result, feels themselves to be inadequate in some way – is worrying needlessly. EVERYONE does it.

Masturbation, when alone, is a totally different experience from interactive sex. It is a solo activity akin to meditation, where the end product is an orgasm. Done correctly, it is a highly pleasurable experience, as the exponent is in complete control of the speed, duration and – if they slow down when approaching the climax – the INTENSITY of the orgasm.

Another point – unlike a man, if a woman is celibate for more than a couple of weeks, her desire will DECLINE. And unlike a woman, a man in only his FORTIES can find that an extended period of total sexual abstinence will result in his apparatus SEIZING UP.

Therefore the moral here is clear – USE it or LOSE it!

Far from damaging you, masturbation is essential to your sexual well-being, when you are not sexually active. So – fun and therapy combined!

The techniques required vary greatly from one person to another. While some require quite violent stimulation, others find the same to be painful and need only gentle stroking to achieve a climax. So, early in a sexual relationship, it is essential for both partners to teach the other how to do it to THEM.

In the woman’s case there is the “clock-face” test. The clitoris is usually more sensitive on one side than the others – and it varies from woman to woman. The way to find out which aspect is most sensitive is to stroke the side of the clitoris at say, three o’clock – then work your way around. Also try stroking the top, going north-south and east-west.

It should soon be apparent which part works best and again, a reference to a time or compass heading can be a private joke between you both, when in company.

In the man’s case, things are equally complicated. The variations of finger positioning, speed and force are infinite. Also, the foreskin plays an important part. And if the man doesn’t HAVE one, things get REALLY complicated.

The thing is, HE has spent his whole LIFE mastering his technique, but it is like riding a bicycle – most everyone can do it, but try explaining how, to someone who has NOT.

Nevertheless, despite the difficulties, once a couple learn how to masturbate each OTHER – their sex-life will rise to a whole new level. Just remember – masturbation is SEXY!  [continues below]